I Caught Myself

I almost fell prey to old habits the other day. You know, the old habits of saying, "No, don't do that or I'll take away your ___." (Insert object of manipulation.)

It was snack time, and Lucas decided to put some of his Puffins cereal bites into his cup of water. I'm a big stickler for table manners, and loading our water cups with food is just not comfortable for me. I instinctively began to say, "No, Lucas, don't put your Puffins in your water; We don't put food in our water," … but then I stopped.

I thought through how that scenario would likely play itself out: I'd say no. He'd want to keep doing it. How would I get him to stop? By manipulation, threat or coercion, right? But I'm trying to avoid those tactics and be more respectful of him after reading Alfie Kohn's book, Unconditional Parenting.

I decided to reconsider my request. After all, why didn't I want him to do put his Puffins in his water? Was it because I didn't want to clean up a certain mess? Was it out of fear that if I let him do it now, he'd do it again in front of other people, and I'd look like a bad mom who didn't know how to teach my son proper table manners? Honestly, it was a combination of those two exact reasons, and when held up against his curiosity about what would happen if his Puffins went into his water, they just didn't seem like very good reasons.

So I gave him my blessings. Smiling, he compared the floating puffins with limes and lemons. Oh yeah – I guess we do put food in our water! He watches us do that all the time! I asked him if his water tasted any different. He was eager to try it. After considering the flavor for a moment or so, he told me it tasted like rice milk. (I thought this was a brilliant comparison for a not-yet-two-year-old, by the way.)

Instead of a battle of wills, we had an intelligent and even scientific conversation. Plus, I suspect that since I was respectful of his curiosity, he was respectful of my need for neatness, and he kept his placemat and the table clean.

It was one of those lovely "aha!" moments for me.