We're a week into our "regime-change" at home – that is, it's been a week since I started reading Unconditional Parenting, by Alfie Kohn, and implementing a drastically different parenting philosophy with Lucas. I have to say, it's turning out to be much easier and far more pleasant to parent in this way.
Today is a case in point. My mother and I, with Lucas in tow, decided to go shopping in preparation for Lucas' birthday party next month. This journey lasted much longer than expected. I hauled Lucas in and out of the car seat over and over again. Snacks eventually ran out. The day got very hot. We passed lunch time. Horror of horrors, we even passed naptime in the name of ONE … MORE … STOP.
Normally, this would have been a recipe for tantrum-disaster many times over. And … he was fine. Perfectly, delightfully fine!
At no time during the day did I choose to rely on coercion, manipulation or threats. That means I had to avoid saying things like, "Okay, we're leaving right now. If you don't come, we're leaving without you." (That's a threat of abandonment – even if I don't mean it.) Or, "Put that back on the shelf now or you're going to have a time-out." (I think that's coercion… Maybe it's a threat.) Or even, "What a good boy for staying right next to Mommy!" (Surprise! That's manipulation!)
So what did I do instead? Here are some examples:
My Real Life Examples
When he wanted to run through a store, I reflected back to him what he was experiencing. I'd say, "You're excited to be in a new place with so many things to see!" Then I asked him to please stay near me so I could make sure he stayed safe. I gave him a little bit of freedom to roam, while keeping an eye on him. He seemed to respond well to my trust, and stayed within sight.
When he wanted to play with things in the store, I determined if there was any harm in him playing with them and made the call accordingly and fairly. If it was breakable, I'd point out something more appropriate for him to pick up. For the other things, I allowed him to explore pretty freely, and again, he seemed to respond really well to that trust. He would pick up one thing at a time and check it out.
Eventually, I would ask him to put things back … and sometimes it took a while for him to be willing to give them up. The important thing for me to remember was to give him enough time to work it out. If I was patient and not looking particularly invested in it happening RIGHT NOW, he always got around to putting the items back without any fuss.
While we came back from this long shopping trip exhausted and hungry, our interactions were upbeat and happy; our relationship one day stronger.
My Progress with Unconditional Parenting
Are You Making Unreasonable Requests?
While most parenting books will give you strategies on how to best get your child to do what you want, in Unconditional Parenting, Alfie Kohn asks you to question whether or not your requests are reasonable. He writes, "Perhaps when your child doesn't do what you're demanding, the problem isn't with the child, but with what it is you're demanding." Sure, some demands are very reasonable, like "stay out of the street", but many of our demands could stand some reflection.
My Real Life Example
Lucas and I have had so many clashes over snacks and food - it's insane! We only have healthy food in our home, including the snacks. If he's asking for a snack 20 minutes after eating breakfast, why do I feel the need to say no, just on principle? He must be hungry. What's the big deal? So I've started to say yes.
If I've served him his dinner and he wants more of something, or he wants something he sees us eating, why do I insist on him finishing what's on his plate before adding more to it? It's all healthy food. If he wants to eat broccoli, broccoli and more broccoli tonight, and isn't in the mood to eat his chicken, what's the fuss, really? I can put the chicken back for another meal. It's not like he's insisting on cake. So I lovingly give him what he's asking for, and feel thankful that he has a good appetite and a broad palate.
This idea alone has probably eliminated half of our battles over the past week. Mealtimes are a pleasure instead of a headache.
Are you enjoying reading about this book and the difference it's making in our life? Have you read the book? I'd love to create an open conversation around this topic, so feel free to share your comments, stories, or questions by clicking on the comment link at the top of this post.
More to come …
Questioning Your Parenting Philosophy
How much thought have you given to your parenting philosophy? If you're like me or any of the smart, caring and thoughtful moms I know, you've thought about it a lot. I'm sure you've read tons of books, and along with some preconceived notions that get passed around in our culture, you've probably got some clear ideas about what should – in theory – help you get your kids to behave.
I'm in the midst of deeply questioning some of my preconceived notions on parenting after reading the book, Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishment to Love and Reason by Alfie Kohn.
I consider myself a pretty successful parent so far. For the most part, my son is a happy little guy with good manners and great sleeping habits. But … he's almost two years old, and things have been unraveling just a bit for us in the past month or so.
Okay, well … a lot! You see, based on some books I'd read (that had helped me tremendously early on in getting him to be such a great sleeper) I was attempting to be more consistent and firm with boundaries and consequences. I thought this was going to prevent me from dealing with greater conflict once he really hit the "terrible twos". You know, establish the expectations now so he won't challenge me later, that kind of thing.
Concurrently, he seemed to be spending an awful lot of time in time-out and throwing tantrums. Coincidence? I think not.
This whole "establish obedience" thing was really beginning to rub me the wrong way. I felt like I was at odds with him over everything! Eating, changing diapers, putting on shoes, getting in the car – you name it! So I began my search for a different way. Thank you, Amazon.com!
The overarching principle of Kohn's book is that when we punish, ignore or even reinforce our children for particular behaviors, we unintentionally send our children the message that our love for them is conditional and based on their behavior. This was an epiphany for me! He offers a ton of research that you won't find in any other parenting books about the negative, long-term effects of, what he calls, "conditional parenting". Fascinating stuff! Go get the book.
My Real Life Example
The first thing I did before I'd even finished the book was eliminate my practices of time-out and ignoring him when he was behaving "badly". (Yes, I'd even written in my blog about how to do those things well. I take it all back!) "So what did you do instead?!" you might ask. Instead, I began to reflect back to him what I was observing.
Saturday, when I wouldn't let him run off with the ketchup bottle he'd pried from the open fridge door, he began to throw a fit. Normally, I would have calmly placed him in time-out, stating, "No fits." This would have resulted in more crying and yelling, and likely a dash for the fridge the next chance he had. Instead I said, "I see you're angry. You're mad at Mommy for taking the ketchup bottle away. You wish you could keep the ketchup bottle." His tantrum instantly transformed into a nod, a sniffle, and a quick transition to playing with his blocks. Wow!
So you see, I didn't withdraw my attention – which he could construe as withdrawing my love – and I validated his feelings, all the while maintaining my need to keep the ketchup bottle from spilling all over the carpet. Our relationship was strengthened, not weakened, by the exchange.
Stay tuned for more Real Life Examples in posts to come. I'm on a roll with this topic, so if you're interested, too, and you don't want to miss a single post, please subscribe to my blog.
Think Hard About Your Parenting Priorities
Do you want your child to obey you without hesitation, or do you want to raise a self-reliant, critical-thinking, responsible, and caring adult? What if the two were mutually exclusive?
I take back everything I've written or said about discipline, including my time-out chart.
Over the weekend, I have had a complete change of heart around parenting. This epiphany came in the form of a book I believe to be the most important book I'll ever read about parenting. It is challenging all of my current beliefs about how to raise and discipline Lucas, while at the same time, offering an alternative that resonates deeply with me as much more effective in meeting my long-term goals of raising a compassionate, confident, responsible, and deep-thinking adult.
The book is called Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason, written by Alfie Kohn. From the back cover: "This is an eye-opening, paradigm-shattering book that will reconnect readers to their own best instincts and inspire them to become better parents." Also, "Kohn sites a body of powerful, and largely unknown, research detailing the damage caused by leading children to believe they must earn our approval. That's precisely the message children derive from common discipline techniques, even though it's not the message most parents intend to send."
I won't recap the entire book here. However, I have been so moved by what I've read, I've decided to share - in installments - how I am implementing what I'm learning, and what changes I'm seeing at home.
*Update*: Here are links to the above-mentioned installments and other posts related to unconditional parenting:
Questioning Your Parenting Philosophy
Are You Making Unreasonable Requests?
My Progress With Unconditional Parenting
Schooled by my Mom
More Books to Support Unconditional Parenting
I Caught Myself
Discipline Myths, Hitting, and Non-Coercive Parenting
Peanut Allergy Nightmare
Before you get too worried, I'll let you know that what I'm going to share really was a nightmare – the kind you have at night while you're sleeping. It was a couple of nights ago, but the images and feelings have stayed with me, so I thought it was worth sharing. Those of you with allergic children can probably identify.
In my dream, I was talking with a friend when my son – lying on the couch and looking more infant-like than the toddler he is – stiffened his body and let out a sound of frustration. I was about to tell the friend that this is what he's been doing lately, throwing these little fits, when I noticed how reddish his skin was. Suddenly raised dots, like pencil erasers, were covering his legs and arms. I lifted his shirt and saw the bumps covering his torso. In a panic, I demanded, "Say hi Mommy!" a routine we have that reassures me he's still breathing. He was silent and stiff, eyes wide.
Suddenly, there was no fear or hesitation whatsoever about using the Epi-pen. In the dream, I quickly reached for the bag, knowing full well I was prepared to use it. That's when I woke up.
I sat up in bed, mentally rehearsing what I would have done next. Take off the cap … jab the end into his thigh and hold it for ten seconds … remove it and rub the injection site for another few seconds … give him the Benadryl … call 911 … or do I call 911 before the Benadryl? What about putting the pen back in the safe container? That should happen after the call to 911, right? My heart pounding, I found it hard to go back to sleep.
At least now I trust I will be able to overcome my fear of the Epi-pen if needed. For that, I'm grateful for this dream.
Who Do We Trust?
When it comes to my son's health and well-being, I feel very vulnerable, and today I'll share one reason why. If you've been reading this blog, you'll know we recently discovered that Lucas has a peanut allergy. An emergency kit carrying two epi-pens and Benadryl now follow him wherever he goes.
This is frightening stuff. Forget my insane fear of needles. I'm now worried that I'll make the wrong call as to when to use the epi-pen, and end up giving my son a heart attack. "Why would you worry about this, Alexis?" you might ask. "Weren't you properly trained by the allergist?" Well, I thought so. The allergist instructed me to use the epi-pen at the first sign of an allergic reaction. "Don't wait until he's having trouble breathing," he told me. "If you begin to see hives or suspect he's been exposed to an allergen, don't hesitate to jab him with the epi-pen." This seemed extreme to me, but what do I know, right?
Two of the moms in our playgroup are medical professionals, and when I shared this with them, they were shocked. According to them, epinephrine is only to be administered for anaphylactic shock – not for hives, or itching, or suspicion of an exposure. Using epinephrine when it's not absolutely necessary can trigger a heart attack. (A big sarcastic and petrified Great! here)
So … who do I trust? I'd love to believe that the doctor is always right – it would make life so much easier – but which doctor? The quality and content of answers seem to vary from one to the next. I guess this just joins the rest of those decisions in which we have to do our research, make a choice, and then hold our breath and cross our fingers.
It Goes By So Fast
One of my husband's drum students just returned from summer vacation, which included a tour of private arts colleges back east. Since my husband teaches out of our home music studio, and the parents tend to wait out the lessons in our sun room, I get to know the families pretty well. This family is one of my favorites, so I was eager to catch up with them today.
As Mary described what it was like to think of sending her oldest son off to college next year, and so far away at that, I instantly felt a clutching in my throat and a stinging behind my eyes. My son's not even two yet, and already I can feel that sense of impending loss and separation. I want to hold him tightly and breathe in his very essence so that I can be completely immersed in this moment, pushing away tomorrow, kindergarten, college, and beyond.
Already, he is so independent. It's convenient in some ways, and heartbreaking in others. Each new accomplishment takes him one step further away from me, and yet I celebrate his growing autonomy and intellect, and I love getting to know the interesting person he is becoming.
I suppose this is all a lesson in letting go. It seems cruel, really, to bring so much love into a life, only to learn about letting it go. Maybe someday it will seem to make better sense to me. For now, I do my best to appreciate, appreciate, appreciate these precious moments that go by so fast.
Toddler Yoga
Just for fun, I thought I'd share with you this little slice of morning life in our home. Here are the boys doing yoga together:
Sometimes when my husband does a particularly strenuous pose, there is a little bit of huffing and puffing. Here is Lucas' version of what yoga looks and sounds like:
