A Lesson in Toddler Birthday Parties

There is a lot of pressure today to throw the perfect birthday party for our children. A friend of mine reported attending a three-year-old's party that rivaled a wedding reception – complete with the large outdoor tent, table linens and flower arrangements.  While (I hope) this is an extremely rare example, I can understand how the pressure builds as the planning begins.

It's easy to get caught up in ... well, let's face it … concerns about how we'll be judged by other people.  Isn't that really at the heart of it?

I thought I was immune to it. Yesterday was Lucas' 2^nd birthday. I kept it relatively simple, with cupcakes and lemonade at a favorite park over the weekend for a few of his little playmates, and then an intimate family dinner on his actual birthday last night. While it's true that I didn't actually succumb to the pressure, I still felt it; like I should have done more.

Honestly, if we'd had more money to spend on his party, I would have done it, despite my ethical concerns about it. I would have invited more people, bought more decorations, given better party favors, you name it. Ugh! The social pressure was that strong! And I have nice friends! It's not even like I hang out with a bunch of competitive, judgmental people.

Here's the lesson I learned from Lucas' 2^nd birthday:

Last night, while just sitting in his booster chair patiently waiting for dinner to be served to him and our little party of five adults, Lucas was in absolute bliss! No decorations, no games, not even any kids! But he was surrounded by the people who loved him the most, giving him our full attention, and he couldn't have been any happier! He held up his cup to do cheers with our wine glasses, positively crowing with glee. Later, he showed off to Auntie Kristen and Grandma how he takes his bath. Who would have thought it could be that easy?

I hope I remember this next year.

“Time Keeps on Slippin’, Slippin’, Slippin’…

…into the fuuuture." (Fly Like an Eagle, Steve Miller) I thought this song selection was an appropriate accompaniment today. Unfortunately, you'll have to hum it yourself since there's no audio on my post. Sorry if it gets stuck in your head. It's now stuck in mine. I guess there are worse songs to have on autoplay in your brain.

At any rate, I read the following quote last night by author Dorothy Evslin, and it haunts me.

"It will be gone before you know it. The fingerprints on the wall appear higher and higher. Then suddenly they disappear."


Oof! If that doesn't feel like a kick to the gut, then you're not paying attention.

As mothers, we hear so often, "This too shall pass". It is offered as a comfort, meant to help us ride out the changing little inconveniences of motherhood. And it does comfort. It helps us put life into its proper perspective. For me, it goes deeper than getting through the current tantrum or annoying phase, though. It reminds me that ALL of it shall pass, and all too soon. And then I get a little scared and sad.

Suddenly, the food throwing doesn't matter that much. So I quietly clean up the mess on the floor and gather my heavy toddler in my arms, savoring the softness of his cheek and the chubbiness of his squishy thighs. We head to his bedroom for our "chair time" together. Lucas and I sit face to face on the comfy recliner and we sing our songs, tell our stories, and exchange our cuddles. I try to breathe it all in to absorb as much of this moment as I can. This too shall pass, so I'll try to love every second of it.

Food Fights

It's been a peaceful meal: fun conversation and the proper use of a fork. What more can one ask of a toddler? We approach the end of the meal, and I watch him for signs. Is he going to do it again? Please let today mark the end of this phase!

He starts by yanking the cloth napkin off his lap and tossing it on the floor, crumbs flying. Maybe it will end here, I think to myself.

"Lucas, remember what Mommy asked you to do when you're all finished?" I attempt a neutral tone. "You say, 'I'm all finished, Mommy,' and then you let Mommy take away your plate and cup."

"I'm all finished, Mommy," he says in a sweet, sing-songy voice, as he upends his water cup and then knocks it to the floor. Next comes the plate, the fork, the bib, and finally, the placemat.

This scenario has repeated itself after almost every meal for a week now, and I'm going out of my mind!

Who else has read Unconditional Parenting? I need some help!! Without using time-out, punishment or coercion, I find myself really thinking hard about how to handle this, and nothing is working. I've tried:

• A firm "No!" and telling him I'm mad about it
• Explaining that this makes a mess for Mommy to clean up
• Explaining that this makes a mess for Lucas to clean up (he loves cleaning up, though)
• Reminding him of what I want him to do instead, and offering him the chance for a do-over
• Acknowledging that it's fun to throw things and rub water all over the table, but we don't do it, because … here's the hard part: why not, really? Because it makes a mess? We can just clean it up – what fun! Because it's not polite? What does that even mean to a toddler? This is where my reasoning runs into a big brick wall. I want him to stop basically because I don't want to clean it up. He doesn't find this reason very compelling, and I can't blame him.

Readers, do you have any suggestions, thoughts or feedback? I'd really appreciate it! In the meantime, I'll just be down here under the table, wiping up crumbs.

I Caught Myself

I almost fell prey to old habits the other day. You know, the old habits of saying, "No, don't do that or I'll take away your ___." (Insert object of manipulation.)

It was snack time, and Lucas decided to put some of his Puffins cereal bites into his cup of water. I'm a big stickler for table manners, and loading our water cups with food is just not comfortable for me. I instinctively began to say, "No, Lucas, don't put your Puffins in your water; We don't put food in our water," … but then I stopped.

I thought through how that scenario would likely play itself out: I'd say no. He'd want to keep doing it. How would I get him to stop? By manipulation, threat or coercion, right? But I'm trying to avoid those tactics and be more respectful of him after reading Alfie Kohn's book, Unconditional Parenting.

I decided to reconsider my request. After all, why didn't I want him to do put his Puffins in his water? Was it because I didn't want to clean up a certain mess? Was it out of fear that if I let him do it now, he'd do it again in front of other people, and I'd look like a bad mom who didn't know how to teach my son proper table manners? Honestly, it was a combination of those two exact reasons, and when held up against his curiosity about what would happen if his Puffins went into his water, they just didn't seem like very good reasons.

So I gave him my blessings. Smiling, he compared the floating puffins with limes and lemons. Oh yeah – I guess we do put food in our water! He watches us do that all the time! I asked him if his water tasted any different. He was eager to try it. After considering the flavor for a moment or so, he told me it tasted like rice milk. (I thought this was a brilliant comparison for a not-yet-two-year-old, by the way.)

Instead of a battle of wills, we had an intelligent and even scientific conversation. Plus, I suspect that since I was respectful of his curiosity, he was respectful of my need for neatness, and he kept his placemat and the table clean.

It was one of those lovely "aha!" moments for me.

Tantrums: 0, Hugs: Off the Charts!

Changing my parenting approach is requiring constant vigilance. Sometimes I find myself just itching for a time-out, or I'm tempted to turn my head to ignore unwanted behaviors.

In case you're joining us here for the first time, I've been applying a radically different parenting approach ever since reading Unconditional Parenting, by Alfie Kohn. While it's challenging to re-train myself and how I respond to my son, I'm finding that the rewards are well worth the effort!

In general, here's an update on how it's going so far:

• Our relationship has gone from power struggles to cuddles; tons more affection from him and I'm LOVING it!
• His frequent tantrums have all but disappeared.
• He's far more responsive and willing to cooperate with me.

Pretty cool results, huh?

I know many of you reading this blog have also begun reading the book. How is it going for you?

What the Media Won’t Tell You About Vaccines

I came across this well-written article on the vaccine controversy I thought I'd share with you.  While the authors state up front that they are parents, not doctors, the article cites research and other articles published in medical journals by medical professionals.

An interesting point they make is that in 1983, there were only 10 mandatory vaccines, and today there are 36!  That's a 260% increase over the last 20 years, and this increase coincides with the increase in neurological disorders.

They offer a range of alternatives to the current vaccine schedule, so those of you who are concerned about vaccines but don't want to avoid them completely, there are great suggestions for dealing with vaccines cautiously, including how to boost your child's immune system in different ways prior to different vaccinations.  (Didn't know about this!)

Here's the link again: http://www.generationrescue.org/vaccines.html

I encourage you to browse the site while you're there. I was so impressed that I've decided to donate 10% of the profits from the sale of the (upcoming) 2^nd edition of my book, Baby's Little Log Book, to this organization.

Happy reading, everyone!

Something’s Coming!

From what I can tell, Lucas' experiences with other dimensions have been fewer and farther between as he's approached the two-year mark. It's kind of a bummer for me, actually. I was hoping that he would stay in touch with this awareness as his language grew, so he could tell me about it.

Months ago, he was regularly – as in, daily – reporting to me about things he was seeing. He would say, "Phat! Phat! Go! Go!" when he saw … what? … fairies? spirits? I don't really know, but he seemed to know when he wanted them around and when he didn't. He would tell me when he was seeing Nani (my beloved deceased grandmother) eating an apple, usually naked. (Yes, that's right, he'd say "naked"… And always with the apple. What was up with the apple?!)

More recently, he'd occasionally get spooked and tell me in an urgent, hushed voice, "Something's coming!" and then cling to my legs or beg to be picked up. I would ask him what was coming, and he'd say, "The lights."

It seems these "lights" mostly like to hang out in the small half-bath in the den. If that door happens to be cracked open when he walks by, he'll almost always slam it closed. Other times, he'll come running to me with the "something's coming" routine and ask me to turn on the bathroom light and help him shout, "Phat! Phat! Go! Go!" to get them to go away. Afterward, he'll nonchalantly confirm that they've gone and happily go on with his day.

I've tried asking him to tell me more about what he's seeing, but with no luck. He's extremely verbal for his age, so I was expecting him to be able to describe these experiences in more detail now than he could nine months ago.

Then I thought about it this way: He is absorbing his speaking skills from what he hears us saying. How can he develop the language to describe what he's experiencing if no one else around him is experiencing it? Maybe he'll lose the ability to see these other things for lack of words with which to label them.

Maybe that's what has happened to most of us, and why we no longer see fairies or believe in magic. Darn. I was hoping for a refresher course.

More Books to Support Unconditional Parenting

If you're intrigued by the suggestion that you can effectively discipline your kids without threats, time-outs, bribes, praise, rewards, or other common discipline practices, then I have two more great books to recommend for you!

If you've been reading my blog over the past couple of weeks, you'll know that I've been raving about Alfie Kohn's book, Unconditional Parenting, and sharing my efforts to implement what I've learned.

I'm so excited to have found two other books that complement his work very well, and offer additional concrete examples of how to have "unconditional conversations", if you will, with your kids.

First, the oldie: Between Parent and Child, by Dr. Haim Ginott, was originally written in 1965. Yes, you read it correctly … 1965! It was revised and updated in 2003. This book is chock full of great sample conversations that model how to:

• Discipline without threats, bribes, sarcasm, and punishment
• Criticize without demeaning, praise without judging, and express anger without hurting
• Acknowledge rather than argue with children's feelings, perceptions, and opinions
• Respond so that children will learn to trust and develop self-confidence

(That bulleted list was taken from the back cover of the book.) This book has helped me implement many of the ideas in Kohn's book. What a treasure! I found plenty of copies of this book at my local library, so my mom and husband could read along with me. J

And now for the shorty: Raising Children Compassionately, by Dr. Marshall B. Rosenberg, is an itty-bitty 22-pager you can read in one sitting! In describing an alternative to coercion and punishment, he states, "It requires an awareness of the subtle but important difference between our objective being to get people to do what we want, […] and instead being clear that our objective is to create the quality of connection necessary for everyone's needs to get met."

I'll admit, his writing isn't the smoothest in the world, but his message is brilliant! Plus, Dr. Rosenberg has been successfully using his techniques for over 40 years to mediate conflict everywhere from the Middle East to inner city gangs. You can learn more about his work and order this book through www.nonviolentcommunication.com.

Happy reading and happy parenting, everyone!

Schooled By My Mom

Going against social pressure is difficult. As much as I hate to admit it, I am still - how shall I put it? - invested in how I come across to other people. My parenting is no exception, and of course, Lucas' behavior can be taken as a direct reflection of my skills in that arena, if I choose to let it.

I suppose, then, it's no surprise that I "forgot" about one of the ideas put forth in Alfie Kohn's book, Unconditional Parenting. The idea being that forcing our children to parrot back social pleasantries like "please" and "thank you" at every turn doesn't help them become more kind or thoughtful people, but instead only teaches them to say it to gain our approval. We are better off letting them see us being kind and thoughtful, and then leaving it up to them to decide what to say – without the incessant prompting.

The other day, I was telling my mother about how I was helping Lucas practice asking "nicely" for a sticker from the good folks at Trader Joe's – as opposed to demanding, "I wanna stickah, I wanna stickah!" My mom, who, on my recommendation, had begun reading this book, said to me, "You shouldn't be doing that."

"Doing what?" I asked.

"Doing that – making him say 'please', and 'may I'. You should just model it for him, but not make him say it. I just read that in the book you have me reading." She answered.

Fair enough. I was willing to give it a try.

So yesterday, Lucas, Mom and I were getting out of the car. While I was putting Lucas in his stroller, he was asking for some water – and not saying please. I bit my tongue. My mom leaned back in the car to dig his cup out of my bag and then handed him the water. Again, I swallowed my reminder. (This is very hard to do, by the way! It's something I'm apparently in the habit of doing a bazillion times a day.)

And then it happened…

In the sweetest of voices, Lucas said, "That was vewy nice of you, Gwamma."

How about that?! Here I was prompting him to say a mere "please" and "thank you", when this heartfelt expression of appreciation was waiting to come out instead.

It's rather remarkable what our kids will do when we respect them enough to let them show us. Thanks, Mom, for the reminder!

Eating Out with a Peanut Allergy: One Stellar Example

For those of you who also deal with the challenges of keeping your allergic child safe, you know that eating out is not a simple matter. We rarely eat out, so it doesn't come up that often, but on those occasions, I'm getting used to asking a lot of questions.

Today, our family found ourselves out running errands past lunchtime, and we were far from home. We wanted a quick and inexpensive lunch, so we thought Rubio's Mexican food might be appropriate.

We walked up to the counter and I proceeded to ask the gal about the type of oil they use, the ingredients in their kitchen and in their food, and if there was any possible chance of cross-contamination with peanuts. She smiled and said that the only nuts in the restaurant were in the individually packaged brownies. And then, just to make sure - here's where I was totally impressed - she pulled out a large laminated card with an extensive chart of allergens cross-referenced to all of the ingredients in the restaurant! Wow! That really set my mind at ease.

With food allergies so prevalent these days, other restaurants would do well to follow Rubio's stellar example. Thanks, Rubio's!