Compliance vs Freedom; a parenting dilemma

Sure, I can be an authentic and present parent, but what does that mean in practical application? What about when my child doesn't listen to me? How does presence help if my child is running toward the street and doesn't stop when I say stop?

Last week my husband attended a parenting lecture by Kim John Payne at our local Waldorf School. I've heard him speak before and I love what he has to say about raising children. He's a great speaker, and if you ever have a chance to go see him, I highly recommend it.

The last time I heard him speak, my son was six months old. Everything he said made perfect sense to me then. My son is now 2 ½, and things have changed. Theory and reality don't always mix seamlessly. When my husband debriefed the lecture with me, I felt conflicted. I wasn't sure I was 100% on board with what he was suggesting.

I've read everything from Babywise to Unconditional Parenting, and if you've read any of my posts, you'll know I lean significantly to the latter. In Unconditional Parenting, Alfie Kohn lays out researched evidence about the long-term harm we do to our children when we rely on rewards, praise, punishment, or coercion as our parenting strategies. He states that our reliance on these methods indirectly tells our children that our love is conditional and can be withdrawn if we don't approve of their behavior. While these methods may gain obedience in the short term, they create adults who are overly dependent on others for approval, among other things. I'm a big Alfie Kohn fan, and I love this book!

However, it's rather challenging to apply to daily life. Just try for one day to not bribe or coerce your toddler into cooperation. Or try counting how many times you say, "Good job," thereby robbing your child of the innate satisfaction of accomplishment. It's tricky.

I had recommended the book to a friend who was half-way through it when she said to me, "I haven't gotten to the part yet where he says what to do instead of relying on rewards, punishment or coercion." I told her not to hold her breath. The book's not big on practical advice. It's more about laying a philosophical foundation from which to make our parenting decisions.

Which brings me back to Kim John Payne…

Payne's approach to parenting also discourages rewards, praise, punishment, or coercion, for the same reasons Kohn describes in his book. I like that. He focuses the practical application of his parenting philosophy on the three stages of youth identified by Rudolf Steiner, the founder of Waldorf schooling. The three stages are: Willing (ages 0-6), Feeling (ages 7-14), and Thinking (teen years), and the parenting approaches change depending on the stage of the child.

Here is why I'm conflicted. He says that the key word for the "Willing" stage is "limitation" and the name of the game is compliance. (Hello? Flashbacks to Babywise!) At first (or second or third) glance, this doesn't sound at all compelling to me. It doesn't fit with my ideals of fostering a strong and independent-minded adult. After all, I don't want to train my son to blindly obey authority. Au contraire! I want him to break the molds and chart new territory. How is compliance going to get him there?

Before you get your feathers all ruffled like I did, keep reading.

After grappling with this dichotomy and thinking back on past experience, I think I've come to a better understanding of what Payne means.

First of all, the compliance thing is not forever; it's only for this early stage of childhood when consistent boundaries create a safety zone for our children. Compliance, in the way Payne is suggesting, is not gained by punishment or fear. It simply means to set clear boundaries and be consistent. (Parenting 101, right?) In a nutshell, it means that when a boundary has been breached, everything stops and the breach is addressed, clearly, calmly, firmly, and every time - even if you're in the middle of doing something else.

I have known this and practiced it for many years as an elementary school teacher.  Within the very clear and safe boundaries that were set (in stone!) at the beginning of each school year, creativity and originality were able to flourish. Once these clear boundaries were established, very little "discipline" or redirection was necessary. Our 2^nd grade classroom was alive with deep discussions, compassionate behavior, and mutual respect. Compliance to clear boundaries didn't inhibit their natural spirit. Rather, it allowed them a safe space for its free expression.

Yet … I can honestly say that in practical application in our own home, the boundaries have been less than clear and rather inconsistent. It's always more difficult with our own children, isn't it? Perhaps my awareness of Lucas' sensitivities led me to believe that he'd just know how to cooperate. Yes, he's a powerful being, but he's still in a child's body and needs my guidance as his parent in order to grow into the fullness of his being. Thinking back to my teaching days helped me remember the wisdom in what Kim John Payne is sharing. Setting limitations now, when Lucas is young, is not going to stifle his strong spirit.

What does this mean for me in practical terms? It means that I need to be present when I give Lucas instructions, with the full expectation that he will follow through, and I wait for it. No more instructions hollered from the kitchen with no way for me to know if he's acknowledged them. It also means that my husband and I need to be very clear about what is and is not a boundary, so we can consistently reinforce it.

I think of a boundary like an invisible wall. Lucas can't see it. The only way he knows it's there is if we describe it for him the same way every time he reaches it. Eventually, he'll just trust it's there, and he can turn his attention to more productive things. Until that point, he'll need to keep feeling for it, in a sense asking us, "Is it here? Is it still here? Is it over there?"

Since we haven't consistently described the "wall," he's still in that stage of pushing at the edges, (i.e. challenging everything!). It would be easy for me to describe this as rebellion against these newly enforced limitations, and say it's "not working". I've reached this stage (and this conclusion) before, and easing up on the expectations was certainly a relief. But … it didn't help him stop when I told him to stop running toward the street; it didn't keep him from climbing the bookshelf or running away when it was time to change his diaper or get in the car.

And so, we are starting again. My husband and I will attempt to remain consistent with our newly-agreed-upon limits, and we will carefully watch to notice the effects on Lucas. I want to give this enough time to allow the "wall" to become visible to him, so he can relax his search.

What approaches have you tried with your children, and to what effect? What do you think of Payne's focus on limitations and compliance for this stage of childhood? Please leave your thoughts in the comments. I look forward to the conversation!