Mindful Mothering: Knowing my child

This is part two of my series on Mindful Mothering. Today, I'll explore the second conclusion.

Alexis' Flexible Conclusions on Mindful Mothering

Knowing myself makes me a better mother. Knowing my child makes me a better mother. Being present makes me a better mother. Thinking ahead also makes me a better mother.

Conclusion #2: Knowing My Child Makes Me a Better Mother

This might seem obvious to you, but I have to tell you that I've seen many families in which this isn't understood or practiced. Here is a true story about a seven-year-old boy from my classroom many years ago. He was part of an upwardly mobile family living in a nice neighborhood. His parents took many luxury vacations, frequently leaving the kids with the grandparents. This boy (I'll call him Tommy) was an obvious athlete by second grade. He played all sports very well, and always wore some sort of sports jersey to school. A stranger walking into the school could tell you at a glance that Tom liked sports.

Our first parent-teacher conference was in October. The only goal of this meeting was to get to know the parents and get to know the child through the parents' eyes. When I asked them what they could tell me about Tommy, they hemmed and hawed and passed the question between them like a hot potato. Finally, the father said, "Well, he's really good at sports." "Yes, that's quite evident," I responded. "What else can you tell me about him? What do you think is important for me to know about your son that would help me be the best teacher possible for him?"

They shifted in their seats and stared at their diamond-encrusted fingers, silent. They had nothing to say. It may come as no surprise to you that this smart and talented boy was very troubled. He was known at the school for being a "runner", as in running away - from the school.  Something would trigger him, and it was like a mask would clamp down over his face. After a moment of standing frozen, he would dash for the door and then keep on running. This family didn't understand the importance of knowing their child.

When I honor my son's emerging personality and natural talents, I know he feels respected and loved. He is keenly aware of when I am talking about him and he responds immediately to what I am saying. When I call my mother to share a funny story about him or an impressive accomplishment, he practically glows with satisfaction while he listens to me on the phone. Knowing that I know him and understand the nuances of his every effort gives him the confidence to try new things.

Observing my son when he's playing independently is nothing short of fascinating to me. For example, I've learned that he has a tendency toward impatience, and would often give up or walk away when something would get too hard. However, with some gentle encouragement from us, he has learned to persevere. I now watch him work through challenges without our intervention, crowing with delight when he succeeds. I feel pretty confident that I know when to step in and when to leave him alone because I pay attention to him and how he operates. This gives him an appropriate balance of freedom and security from me.

Knowing my child helps me respect him for who he is, not who I want him to be. If I have a vision of what I think my son should be – say, an athlete – and I don't pay close enough attention to notice that there are other things my son would rather do, then I will only see what I want to see. My son will then learn that athletic skill is what gets my attention, and the other things will fade away, along with a little bit of his self-hood. On the other hand, if I'm paying attention, I'll clearly notice my child's interests and I can encourage his natural gifts, allowing him to grow in confidence and self-respect.

Other posts in the series:
Flexible Conclusions on Mindful Mothering
Mindful Mothering: Being present
Mindful Mothering: Thinking ahead