Non-Coercive Potty Training: Our Progress

A couple of weeks ago, I put out a request on Twitter and Facebook for ideas about non-coercive potty training … on a deadline. I don't like to rely on bribes or rewards in my discipline with Lucas, and I didn't want to make an exception for something that all people eventually learn to do on their own.

Originally, the "plan," such as it was, involved waiting until he was interested and then just following his lead. No pressure, no worries. Here's the little wrench that we threw in the works: We enrolled him in this absolutely fabulous preschool for two half-days a week starting in September, and he needs to be "toilet-learned" by then. Super.

As I saw it, I had three choices:

1. I could stick to the original plan, and if he didn't toilet-train by September, then we would give up our coveted spot at the super-cool preschool and he'd just stay home with me.
2. I could make a major exception to my parenting philosophy – just this once! - and try one of the potty-train in a day/week/whatever methods using (peanut-free) treats and rewards.
3. I could figure out another way.

I went with number three, of course, and spent some time twiddling my thumbs wondering what that might look like. My social media request for ideas was of little help, so I turned to the most reliable expert I could find: Lucas. Who better to inform me about what was going to work for him?

I began to think beyond traditional potty-training methods and just focused in on my son. As it turned out, one of the most important questions I asked myself was, "What does he value most at this stage of his development?"

He's two and a half. What do you think? This is the age of independence; of exerting will and discovering power. There is a lot of power in the word, "no," and all toddlers know this. "I can do it myself!" is one of the more popular refrains of this set.

I had previously tried asking him if he wanted to use the potty, (no, he didn't) and even telling him in no uncertain terms that it was time to use the potty, (no, he wouldn't). These approaches did nothing to feed his independence, and only encouraged him to exercise his power by refusing. Lucas has always been extremely independent, and so I thought (and I thought and I thought) about how I could make this feel like his own thing that he could initiate, and um … soon.

Finally, I hit on an idea! I tried letting him help me set the kitchen timer for 15 minutes. (He's fascinated by these buttons!) I told him that when the timer began to beep, he could come turn it off, and that would mean it was time to go try using the toilet.

This simple little trick has worked like a charm!

Now, it's between Lucas and the timer. I come along to help - if needed – but this is his deal now. I can't believe how brilliantly this works! He drops his trains or guitar and comes running to turn off the timer, and then makes a beeline into the bathroom, where he is now proficient at unsnapping his pants, pulling down the pull-ups and climbing up onto the regular toilet to pee or poop. He has the whole process wired now, including closing the lid gently (seriously, he closes it gently! I know!), and washing his hands afterward. He'll even go in there periodically if I've forgotten to have him set the timer.

Hooray! And all this with no rewards, other than the intrinsic satisfaction of big-boy independence.

This is only the beginning, but it's a great start. He still doesn't get the importance of staying dry, which is the main point, really. If his pull-up happens to be dry when he hits the bathroom, it's just lucky timing. That's okay. I trust it will come, and that he'll be an old pro at the whole thing by September.

It's been almost a week since we've used his dresser-top changing pad, so tonight we ceremoniously unsnapped it and banished it to the garage. In the space it had taken, we placed his electric meditation candle and a little porcelain angel that had been my mother's as a girl. I took out a cute unused frame that matched his room, and Lucas helped me pick out a picture to put in it. He chose this one of himself last year when he was a "baby" in his crib, right after he had figured out how to unzip his pajamas.

It's a new era of independence in the Ahrens' family.