Lucas' favorite question these days is, "Are you happy?"
Most of the time, he asks me this when steam is coming out of my ears in the midst of a particularly challenging exchange. "No, I'm not happy! I'm frustrated!" I might snap at him.
One minute later… "Are you happy now?"
"No, Lucas, I'm still a little bit mad."
And on it goes, like a Verizon commercial, until "happiness" is reached.
I'm well aware that this is an important learning opportunity. The lesson I DON'T want to teach him is that his happiness is dependent on other people or circumstances. I DO want him to be able to regulate his own happiness regardless of outside influences. I'm just not sure how I'm going to help him learn this when I'm a long way from mastering it, myself. It is so tempting to say, "You made me mad," or "Mommy is happy when you ______."
But I know this is not the truth. Lucas' behavior does not cause or limit my happiness. It's my response to his behavior that does that. And my response is completely within my own control, whether I choose to believe that or not. Furthermore, to convince him otherwise is to manipulate his behavior by taking advantage of his empathy and desire to please. That's coercion, and if you're a regular reader of this blog, you know we try to avoid that.
Explaining this to a toddler is challenging, at best.
Here are some more of my fumbling attempts to answer his happiness question when I'm clearly not happy:
"Right now I'm choosing to be mad, because you hit me and that hurt." (Oops, I still blamed him for my anger. And yes … even the amazing Lucas hits his mom on a particularly melty-down kind of day. I hate that!)
"No, I'm not happy. I'm cranky and tired, and you're annoying me." (In addition to giving him power over my sanity, this one is just not nice.)
"I'm a happy person, even though it looks like I'm mad now." (That just doesn't even make sense!)
"No, I'm not feeling happy, but I'm going to take some deep breaths and work on getting calm so I can feel my happiness." (This is as close as I've gotten to taking full responsibility, while not lying about my emotions.)
As he continues to ask me the happiness question, I am offered repeated opportunities to refine my answer and explore the underlying truth behind the question. It is, indeed, an important learning opportunity, but not in the way I initially saw it.
As it turns out, I'm not the one teaching the lesson.
8 comments:
Once again you struck a crystal clear note with me on your "happiness" topic.
What I am liking right now is that I am able to NOTICE what I am feeling. I am aware that it feels good or not so good or very very bad. I'm just really appreciative of that step, personally. It seems to me that we would do our children (and others?) a great service by supporting their own awareness of how they are feeling in the moment. I think I have more to say about this but right now I'm feeling the need to go make dinner for a person who is on his way home to me right now!
Stay True!
Hi Judy, and thanks for your thoughts on this. I do, indeed, want to support Lucas' awareness of his own feelings, whatever they may be in a given moment, which is why this was a bit of a conundrum for me. On one hand, I wanted him to get the idea that happiness can be chosen at any time, no matter what the circumstances. On the other, I wanted to be honest about my own feelings so I could model accuracy in naming them. But then that meant I was falling short of modeling "choosing happiness" in those particularly messy moments.
Like I hinted at near end of the post, though, I think he already understands this somehow. I don't need to be perfect at it. I'm still learning.
I'd love to hear what else you have to say about this, wise and wonderful woman that you are!
Cheers!
Alexis
Oh a tough one!
I think the best way for me, is to be authentic. So while I don't want to coerce or blame my girl, if I am mad because she hit me, I think it's ok to articulate that, no?
'You hit me, it hurt, and being hurt makes me feel mad'. ??? What a balancing act! lol
Hey Alexis ... I just wanted to add a slightly different perspective on the happiness game. Although we all want to be Happy (all the time) we are not and I think what we can learn in the moments that we are unhappy is to not identify with it, that is what gives it power.
It is okay to be mad, sad, etc... I think that it is in the identifying with the emotion that grabs us. What often works for me is seeing x emotion as the ego and not my Self; this helps me get some distance from it. I am still learning this though:)
Also what about Non violent communication's way of expressing an emotion: When you _____, I feel ______ because I am needing ______. I don't know how well that will work but it is an idea:)
Love reading your blog!!! Always gives me food for thought:)
Smiles,
Janine
Yes, #4, #4! My son has breathed thru more than one frustration with me--coaching me as I do him. Not that I always succeed in the methods I believe are best, I surely don't. I think another great idea is Mom timing herself out, or explaining that you need a little space to collect yourself after a long day. Not only does it help you keep your sanity but it models boundary setting, respect, and taking care of oneself authentically.
Mon~ Yes, this is exactly the struggle. I don't have a clear answer.
Janine~Great thoughts on this! I DO love your point about negative emotions being of the ego and not of the self, and using that space between the two to disengage from the ego. A lifetime challenge, I imagine, unless I suddenly gain enlightenment. Funny - Just got an Abraham/Hicks quote in my inbox today that said:
"Tell everyone you know: "My happiness depends on me, so you're off the hook." And then demonstrate it. Be happy, no matter what they're doing. Practice feeling good, no matter what. And before you know it, you will not give anyone else responsibility for the way you feel -- and then, you'll love them all. Because the only reason you don't love them, is because you're using them as your excuse to not feel good."
I rather like this... No, I actually LOVE it! This is what I'm trying to accomplish for myself and model for Lucas. It's true that we're not happy all the time, but I really do believe it's a choice at some level, and when we take responsibility for that choice, and choose something better, we are learning the lessons that the situation brought forward for us to learn.
Steph~How cool that your son has coached you through some deep breaths! He sounds so fabulous! I think we'd all agree that none of us are always succeeding at any of our favored methods, but we try and we experiment, and what more can we do?
Cheers, all! Thanks so much!
Alexis
I am grateful that I can come here to find meaty and spirited topics that also give me a slice of Alexis' life while prompting me to reflect on mine. What a treat!
It was my closest love who told me that he was not responsible for my happiness; that I was responsible for that. Despite seeing a great deal of logic and ever greater VALUE to the idea over the years, I must admit that I have never fully accepted it. Keeping the collective unconsciousness out of it, I think our empathy and desire to please go a long way to generate good vibrations in the universe and happiness in ourselves and others.
Now if I could only learn to rely on myself instead of an entire box of chocolates to turn a bad mood into a good mood : )
[...] his crying wound down, he asked me through his tears, “Are you happy?” (This again!) “No!” I answered sharply. “No, I’m not happy right now. I’m very, [...]
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