Back in March, I had the good fortune of attending a fun event with Lucas at Bears, Buddies and Toys. I had the even better fortune of winning the evening's grand prize of a theme birthday party. At the time, Lucas' third birthday seemed so far away. Time passed quickly, as it tends to do, and I found myself booking our September party last week.
Lucas had a choice of holding his party in the pirate ship or the castle. (See photo above. This place is amazing!) I assumed he would choose the castle, since the last time we were there, the pirate mannequin in front of the ship scared the bejeezus out of him. However, I assumed incorrectly. When consulted, he said he wanted the pirate ship. He doesn't even know what a pirate is.
The biggest fun of the theme party is that the kids get dressed up in costumes, with a choice of becoming a princess, pirate or knight. Lucas is excited about dressing up as a pirate. Did I mention that he doesn't even know what a pirate is?
To my media-sheltered toddler, a pirate must be a very abstract concept. He doesn't watch cartoons, television or videos, and pirate books haven't yet made their way into our reading repertoire. I certainly don't want to explain what real pirates actually do. I wracked my brain to figure out a way of making this pirate thing a bit more fun for him, without opening up a big can of violent, pillaging worms.
Then it came to me … Peter Pan! Yes! Those pirates were relatively harmless, weren't they? They wore outfits just like the ones they'll have at Lucas' party. It's been a long while since I've watched Walt Disney's Peter Pan, but I do remember it had plenty of songs to appeal to our budding musician. I just wasn't sure how scary the pirates would be for Lucas. I knew we'd have to watch it together and be prepared to shut it off immediately if there were any, um … issues.
We know this from experience. Last year, our neighbors lent us the movie, Madagascar, thinking Lucas might enjoy watching it with us. We weren't sure how he would handle a movie, but we figured the bright cartoon characters of the animals would be fun for him.
Well, they were fun for a while. We skipped the movie around a bit, glossing over parts we thought would be uninteresting to him. He loved the part where the lemurs were dancing to the song, "I Like to Move it, Move it." Then we got to the part where the lion accidentally set his rescue statue on fire. Lucas instantly started screaming and crying hysterically, clawing at us as if to burrow into safety. We turned it off right away, of course. He had nightmares about it that night, and talked about that traumatic scene for months.
A month or so later, we thought we'd try Finding Nemo, thinking he'd love that cute little fishie. At the first sign of stress in the movie, you'd think he was watching Nightmare on Elm Street. There was more screaming, crying and clutching. We got the message. No more movies.
Sensitive kids are sensitive to everything. I am guessing that the stress and action that keeps a regular children's movie interesting feels far more intense to a sensitive child. Think about it: If a child is very empathetic, as crystal children are, they feel other people's emotions as if they are their own. So when Lion was running around yelling in despair over his burning statue, Lucas felt that despair. When Nemo was being approached by sharks, Lucas felt that fear. Along with the loud noises and suspenseful soundtracks that tend to accompany these scenes, I think this was a possible reason for Lucas' extreme reaction.
So fast forward to today, when I brought Peter Pan home from the library. I had given him a spotty synopsis of the story already, so he'd be prepared for what would happen and know that everyone would be okay in the end. I was a bit worried about the pirate scenes.
Little did I know what would set him off so early into the movie. As the kids flew out of the nursery, the youngest one, Michael, dropped his teddy bear, and had to go back to get him. Throughout the rest of the flying scene, Lucas was vigilantly on the lookout for the bear, worrying that he would be dropped again. Tears came to his eyes as he fretted over the bear, until his whimpering erupted into a full-fledged wail. We turned it off. He talked about that bear all throughout lunch. "He has to hold that bear tiiiiiight! He has to hug the bear tiiiiight so he won't fall! If he drops him, he will have to go back and get him and hold him tiiiight!"
We affirmed that Lucas was a very good friend to be so concerned about leaving a buddy behind, and we assured him that the bear would stay safe throughout the rest of the movie. He was unconvinced.
Hours later, he watched a few more minutes of the movie with his papa while I made dinner. Surprisingly, Lucas had no issues with the pirates. He wasn't even concerned when the crocodile stalked Captain Hook, scary sound effects and all. However, in every scene featuring Michael and that beloved teddy bear, he became tense and worried that the bear would again be dropped and left behind.
I think we've watched enough of the movie. At least now Lucas knows what pirates look like. As for me, I now have greater insight into what my loyal, compassionate little boy values. Thanks, Peter Pan.
4 comments:
Cole never had a problem with "violent media" as long as it did not were associated with "HIS real life." At age 8 or so we had to leave
"A Series of Unfortunate Events" because lets face it orphaned children, their house burning to the ground and a wicked guardian replacing the childrens loving parents was not "fun" for my 8 year old. James Bond no problem.
I can totally see Lucas point of view....Captain Cook is no problem, compared to losing your Teddy Bear!
What a fun party! How Lucky were you!!
Kb
Such a great point, Katybeth!
It's very interesting for me to read your posts on crystal children... I have read little to no information about the concept and have only having heard of it peripherally.
That said, I would not show my kids (who are six and almost three) any of the movies you mentioned. Even though the movies are purportedly "made for kids," they still contain violent and intense scenes and furthermore, present and support ideas and values that I do share (e.g., seeking revenge, going to battle when in disagreement rather than talking it over, et al). You're right, even the simplest things can really reach their core -- things that the director of the film added exactly to elicit an increased emotional response.
I have never thought of my children as particularly sensitive (or indigo or crystal) but I am realizing that I do consider most people in this society to be particular INsensitive (or out of touch with their feelings). In fact, I find the "sensitive" or emotional responses of children to scenes in movies or after learning about things in reality to be appropriate... I see the lack of emotional response from most people to be the problem! :)
By the way, I wanted say that I am not trying to make a statement about whether or not Lucas' is "crystal," or not. He does strike me as unique, but he also has a mama who is highly in tune and aware of him. Think of all the kids who might share his gifts but who have no one "listening" to them.
And one last piece I see here... A core part of my parenting journey was uncovering many of the hidden (in plain sight) values of my society. Kids are a great guide in this respect, as our job as parents is to "socialize" them into our culture. I really woke up to the messages our society holds and by refusing to pass certain ones on and by listening to my children's intuitive responses and understandings, I do feel we have been given a gift to see beyond the everyday.
Hi Stacy ~ I so agree with you on all counts you mentioned. It really was against my better judgment that we showed the movies to him at all. I guess it was more out of our curiosity of how he would react to them. Part way through Peter Pan, my husband and I looked at each other and said, "That's enough of that. No more movies," exactly because of the violence and the mismatch of values. (I never realized Tinkerbell was such a jealous and spiteful little pixie. That escaped me as a child.)
I think you're right that most people in our society are insensitive, or at least de-sensitized. If we don't like a lot of what we're seeing in society, then it behooves us to stop and think about which messages we choose to allow into our families. Our sensitive little ones know what feels right and what doesn't. They're counting on us to listen to them and respect them. It is heartening to know there are other mothers like you who are listening and evaluating so carefully and consciously.
As for Lucas' uniqueness, whether we call it "crystal" or not, there are droves of kids as "unique" as he is. Like you said, not everyone is paying attention to them as carefully as you and I are paying attention to our kids, and the pain they're feeling as a result of this misunderstanding is profound.
This is what seems to be unfolding as my mission here in this life: helping these kids by pointing their parents in the direction of paying closer attention, respecting the uniqueness, and nurturing the gifts in their children. The "how" of this mission is not yet really clear, other than this blog and the book I'm writing.
I'm inspired by you and other conscious moms I've met, though it's discouraging and overwhelming to see that we're still such a minority. My book may deeply touch the twenty people who read it, but I'm at a loss to know how to reach people who aren't already thinking along these lines. Time will tell, I suppose.
Thanks for your engagement here on this blog! I appreciate you and learn so much from you!
Cheers!
Alexis
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