Some Thoughts on Fear of Success

While this post has very little to do with raising a crystal child, it has everything to do with my process of helping other parents who are raising crystal children. Therefore, call it a tangent, but it stays.

My thoughts are a bit scattered, as they have been lately, but I'll try to rein them in so they'll make some sense. As I sit at home with my first cold in seven months, I realize this is an opportune time for regrouping; for taking stock of what I've accomplished so far, and for looking ahead to what I'm trying to create with my writing.

While I feel really good about what I've written and how I'm helping people, I'm having a hard time believing that it's not just a fluke.

I'm delighted, yet surprised with each new comment on my blog. When parents of other crystal children approach me asking for my advice, I think, "Who? Me? Really?" I know it can't be a coincidence that everywhere I go I'm meeting other mothers who tell me, seemingly out of the blue, that their children seem highly sensitive. When I tentatively tell them about my blog, wondering if they'll think I'm nuts, they thank me without blinking an eye, and come back later to tell me how much it helped them. It can't be coincidence that, of those students I taught 15 years ago, the ones who are resurfacing and connecting with me right now happen to be Indigos, and … that more Indigos in that age group are finding my blog and in it, some common ground. (Hi Liz!)

It can't be coincidence. The evidence is piling up to tell me it's not just a fluke. Yet, still … I doubt myself. And so, my posts have slowed to a trickle, my book-writing has dried up, and though there is a mountain of material building up in my head, it seems I can't find the next starting place to get the flow moving again.

I know I'm butting up against another wall of self-imposed limitation, and therefore, this is a crucial time for me to explore what it is that's holding me back. I know what it is. It's fear of success. While this would appear to be a ridiculous fear – after all, who wouldn't want to be successful? - I suspect it's quite common. Any change is difficult. The transition from one place to another, one job to another or one way of being to another are all uncomfortable, even if the new place, job or way of being are far superior to the current situation.

We have our default settings all dialed in, and no matter how limiting they are, it's easier to stay on default than to figure out how to reprogram the whole shebang. There's no down-time spent learning a new system. There's no worry about losing programs or data (or friends, careers, what have you) in the change-over process. It's easier to just keep on using our obsolete Word Perfect program … until it doesn't work anymore.

Staying with the analogy, we can choose to change when it feels like an upgrade would do us good or make life better. Or we can wait until everything breaks down around us and we have no choice but to update our program. For me, I'd rather make the switch when everything is still in relatively good working order – like now.

My outdated default program is to wish big and play small, and so I enthusiastically chase my own tail, exhaust myself, and go nowhere. Now that I'm beginning to see my own potential of playing a bit bigger, helping more people, and reaching larger audiences, I don't know what to do with it. That tail is tempting. It's what I do. What will it take for me to let go of the tail and just keep running forward?

(We need clicker training for people. Hey – that's hypnosis, isn't it? I should try that!)

But seriously, I think a big part of it is facing the fear. What do I fear will happen if I succeed in a big way? Here are a few things that come to mind:

• I will be way too busy, and I won't get to spend as much time with Lucas
  
• I won't know how to manage all of the complicated things that success will bring
  
• More people will have the opportunity to tell me I'm wrong or crazy
  
• I will make mistakes and they'll be bigger mistakes than ones I've made while playing small
  
• This one isn't a fear, but I just don't know what it feels like to feel successful
  

I know that our thoughts create our reality, and if I'm constantly running these default thoughts in the background, then it's no wonder I'm stalling out and getting in the way of my own success. When I looked at these fears head-on, though, I realized that they didn't really hold too much water. Here is how I decided to re-think them:

• I'll be able delegate things I don't want to do, so I'll have plenty of time with Lucas
  
• I am a fast learner and I adapt quickly to new situations
  
• I am a good organizer, so it will be easy and natural to keep it all organized
  
• More people will have the opportunity to learn from me, and I'm not here to please everyone
  
• I always learn from my mistakes; the bigger the mistake, the deeper the learning
  
• I am willing to accept the feeling of success
  

That's all I've got so far.

Honestly, this isn't a long-winded appeal for encouragement (though I do love your comments!). It's just meant as a way of sharing my process with you. For some reason, I think it's an important piece of the puzzle I'm putting together here on this blog. I keep writing that the most important thing we can do for our kids is to attend to our own healing and growth. Well, here's my current learning edge. I hope sharing it with you inspires you to explore yours.

Cheers!