Something happens whenever I get really jazzed about a new efficiency in my life. It stays efficient for all of a week, and then outer influences seem to conspire to blow it to pieces.
Let's use my new, efficient schedule for an example. It's completely within my control to go to bed early so I can wake up two hours before the family to meditate, journal, and write. Or is it? Over the past weekend, between my husband's late schedule and his drawn-out bedtime routine that wakes me up a dozen times before he actually settles in for the night, I haven't managed to get to sleep before 11 or later. And suddenly, Lucas has been waking up crying multiple times during the night, and I've needed to go soothe him back to sleep, which usually involves carrying him around the house until he settles down.
Still … Still! I've been waking up at 5:30 (I just couldn't manage any earlier) to meditate, journal and … not quite get to my writing. See, Lucas has also started waking up at six, so as soon as I begin to write, there he is. (And here he is now, by the way, right on cue.)
Add to this the discovery of black mold on our mattress, (which has necessitated moving to the couch) PMS, loss of the naptime break, and Lucas getting sick again yesterday (for the 4th time this month!) so I couldn't take him to the Y for my pilates class (again!), or to preschool today … and for all my best intentions, my routine has been shot. I'm not very happy about this.
I've been working on a meditation post for four days now and I'm only two paragraphs into it. Never mind about the book-writing. I was looking forward to a nice chunk of time to work on it while Lucas was at school today.
Best-laid plans.
What is up with all this? Is the universe out to get me?
It would be easy to think so. But I know that's not true.
What is true is that surrender is one of my biggest lessons to learn in this lifetime. I can be thankful that I'm being given relatively easy opportunities to practice it. There is no life-threatening illness. There is no catastrophic loss. There is only some inconvenience when I try to control my world and those around me too much.
Maybe if I surrender to the interruptions, to the sick boy, to the PMS, to the sleeping on the couch … if I just manage to roll with them without resisting them, then I will earn enough universal brownie points to be granted some unexpected space and time for writing.
And if not for the brownie points, then at least for the peace that comes with accepting what is. I'll do my best.
Best-Laid Plans are Best Laid to Rest
on
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
10 comments:
Oh, I couldn't help but laugh at this one, although I know it's not funny. I shared in my last comment that I also had a 'set' routine in this way. But let me also say that it is disrupted as much as it works, so using the word 'routine' is perhaps a bit of an overstatement. Let's call it a 'target routine'.
I decided the same thing about the role of parenting in my own path - surrender! Surrendering expectations, projections, judgments, control...the list goes on and on. Certainly I can't think of anything better than parenting in teaching surrender. I joke with my husband that this is why I had twins the 2nd time around (which were a complete surprise - the pregnancy and having 2) - I wasn't getting the surrender thing with just one (so be careful!)
But it does get better and easier in terms of routine. I'm sure there are other lessons in surrender around the bend, but on the schedule front, my experience is that the disruptions change in nature and do become less frequent, and there is a little but more stability. But I may be called on that anyday, who knows?
Lisa ~ I do appreciate your laughter. We just have to laugh, don't we? Today was a day of surrender for me, and you know what? It ended up being quite nice. I feel peaceful and happy.
I didn't get any writing done, but I managed three meditations so far today. With Lucas at the zoo this afternoon with Gma, (See? Brownie points reward!)everywhere I turned online, I was led to another meditation. Since it's PMS time for me, I decided to roll with it and see if my heightened sensitivities led me anywhere new.
I like the idea of a "target routine". :)
Hey! Great blog and post!
Anyways I read about you waking up earlier when your family was asleep to meditate and it hit me that i should be doing that! Lately ive been doing the opposite staying up later till they went to sleep to meditate, which was ok considering my schedule is very flexible having a online job and all.
I think I will try that in the next couple weeks, I would rather be up earlier anyways and I like the feeling of meditation in the morning when your refreshed and have a lot of energy.
Have you had the problem of falling back asleep while meditating because you were still tired?
Hi Aiden! Thanks for the compliments and for popping over here for a visit.
You know, I thought I might fall back asleep, but I don't. I actually get out of bed and go to another room, light a candle, and by the time I get situated in my comfy meditating chair, I'm pretty alert.
It's so much better than when I was trying to do it at night! I haven't fallen asleep once in the mornings, and I used to fall asleep most of the time when I did it at night.
The other thing I love is that it's dark when I begin my meditation, but by the time I open my eyes, the sun is rising and lighting up the room. It's such a lovely way to start the day!
If you decide to switch to mornings, let me know how you like it.
Cheers!
Alexis
I'm laughing, too.... the best laid plans, for sure! Never a dull moment, we like to say. :)
My kids are with the sitter right now, and I am going to go MEDITATE! ;)
Best,
Stacy
Great use of babysitting time, Stacy! Yeah!
Surrender is a biggie. Actually, it's probably harder to surrender on small things, in comparison to a major illness that knocks us sideways and we can't ignore.
So true, Mon! Last weekend, with its attendant Halloween parties, parades, and trick-or-treating, was chock full of stuff for me to do. I was feeling under the weather, but not really poorly enough to cancel anything. I know I pushed it and should have taken a few obligations off my list, but I didn't. I was aware that I was passing up an opportunity to practice this lesson, but I chose to still move through everything, just at a slower pace, and with an earlier bedtime. Even with awareness, these lessons are so hard-learned.
I feel your pain....sleep is my #1 need and it's hard to sleep when a husband has a different schedule and/or doesn't need as much sleep. I highly recommend sleeping in the guest bedroom a few nights out of the week so you can get some GOOD sleep -- uninterrupted sleep. If your husband feels it's so important to stay up late and he puts that as a top priority, then he can be equally understanding how important it is for you to get your rest....for your health and well-being. Another option i've tried is earplugs and a sleeping eye mask. But sometimes I just don't like sleeping with earplugs. They do have smaller ear plugs for women which are more comfortable.
Just be easy on yourself. It sounds like you have your hands full taking care of children. I don't have kids....but I still am overwhelmed by life's stuff...so be sweet to yourself. You sound like a super caring wife and mother and your family is blessed to have you!
Thanks for your kind words, Lesley! I'm sorry I didn't see this comment right away. Since this post, we have a new (dreamy) mattress, my hubby is now going to bed earlier, and Lucas is sleeping more soundly, so most of these issues have resolved themselves. Yet more evidence that problems are never permanent, so I might as well not resist them! This was great for me to return to this post for this handy reminder. Thanks!
Cheers!
Alexis
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