Pros of raising a sensitive/intuitive/crystal child:
- Intriguing conversations
- Enjoyment of their creative expression
- Live-in Zen master
- Help with choosing lottery numbers (not really – I wish!)
Cons of raising a sensitive/intuitive/crystal child:
- Allergies
- Sharing your PMS
- Power struggles, power struggles, power struggles
(As if on cue, my "napping" boy just popped out of his room for the nth time today, this time naked and requesting help turning off the bathroom light. What the …??)
I know better than to enter into power struggles with my son. I taught elementary school for ten years, and I am skilled at averting and diverting power struggles. But for some reason, against my better judgment and despite my proven skills in this area, Lucas and I are engaged in a battle of wills daily. Daily and throughout each and every day!
Yes, he's three and it's to be expected. Yes, I know he's exploring his power and independence. Yes, I know he's pushing boundaries to see where the absolute limits are to be found.
With sensitive children, those boundaries have to be rock solid and they have to make absolute reasonable sense all the time, otherwise they find loopholes. I'm thinking that maybe I'm just not smart enough to stay ahead of him. Whenever I think a boundary is solid, he finds ways to make it unreasonable to maintain it.
The most common fights are naps and bed time – no surprises there, I'm sure. He goes down for both willingly and serenely. But then he pops up eleventy-billion times, sucking away my few, tiny remnants of personal time like a Remora.
(This interruption was by a naked boy carrying a small pumpkin and holding a shark puppet in his teeth. I don't think he's going to nap today.)
"I have to pee," he'll say, ten minutes after I put him to bed. Well, go pee, and then go back to bed. (Not reasonable to keep him in his bed when he has to pee, right?)
"I have to poop," five minutes later. Okay, go poop, and then get back in bed. (On the off chance he isn't pretending, it's not reasonable to keep him in his bed. On the occasions I've accompanied him to the bathroom to check, I've discovered this one is usually a stalling lie.)
If I let down my guard and actually go to the living room to meditate, I invariably hear some scuffle and return to find my office in disarray, or his clothes out of his drawers, or all the lights on. If I go into my adjacent office to write, he pops in with inane requests or questions every five minutes. "Can you lay my blanket flat?" "Can you flip my pillow for me?" "Are you going to meditate after you do your writing?"
The other night, this went on until 10pm – two hours past his bedtime!
This is painful to admit. I want to be better than this. In sharing it with you, though, I hope you'll either a) have some insight that will help, or b) at least not feel like you're the only one struggling.
I know I was losing it for a while. I would get mad and show my frustration, and I think he was feeding off of my energy, even though it was negative. So for the past week, I've tried a new approach. I've been trying to redirect him with no drama, frustration or emotion. When he gets up, I simply put him back in bed, a neutral expression on my face, and I don't engage. The Super Nanny would be proud.
Only … it's not working. I expected his curiosity to drive him to push me until I broke for, oh - maybe the first couple of days, but we're on day six now, and he's still pushing. This kid has stamina like you wouldn't believe!
My husband tends to want to raise his voice and pull the authoritarian card with him. "LUCAS, YOU STAY IN YOUR BED NOW OR I'M TURNING OFF ALL THE LIGHTS AND CLOSING YOUR DOOR!" Just an FYI, crystal children won't tolerate "because I'm the boss of you" as a good enough reason to respect a boundary. Rule by force or fear doesn't work. Try that approach and watch the gates of Hell open up and let loose in your home, or else prepare for the ice treatment from your child. We've seen both. Toby's wondering why he's getting the cold shoulder from Lucas these days. No mystery, there.
So… 774 words later, I have nothing to share with you other than I think my hair is falling out from the stress of trying to be a good, strong mom to this powerful kid.
I'd love to hear from you about how you're handling these situations in your home.
9 comments:
Ha ha, well I am so there with you, we have played out many variations on this theme, and each of my kids has a different approach. But my only insight doesn't really have anything to do with power struggles: I am wondering if he still needs a nap? Because my older daughter gave hers up at 3, and now so has my son (also 3). His twin sister still WANTS one, but when she gets one, she easily goes 2 hours after her bedtime with various delays. So, on the days Lucas does not nap at all, are there still delays at bedtime or does he go right down? I know it's terrible to contemplate losing that little bit of afternoon 'me' time, but it happens to all parents eventually!
If he does still need it, our best answer to the power-struggle-based bed time delays has been this: Unlimited music and books are allowed, with a small bedside lamp. Having that little sense of control, that they can in fact choose to look at books and listen to music for as long as they want, gives ours enough sense of control over their own bedtime that they don't engage in room-leaving tactics...this is what I do with my son at naptime too, and sometimes he comes out after 5 minutes, and sometimes he stays in bed for an hour (and sometimes he actually does fall asleep, if he had a big morning...)
Best I got, sorry...
Thanks, Lisa. Actually last night he went to bed pretty easily after the naked naptime escapades, so perhaps you have a point that I've just been unwilling to consider. Sigh.
My new solution on Tuesdays and Thursdays when he's at preschool is to take advantage of the aftercare program and pick him up after his "nap" at 3pm. Today is the trial run for this. We'll see.
So nice to know I'm not the only one. :)
Oh boy, as a mama with a strong-willed 18-mth-old girl, I'm just bracing myself for the 2 & 3 yr stages.... eeek. lol
I was going to say what MM said about still needing a nap, sounds likely he doesn't. I feel your pain. :)
Let us know how it goes along.
As for general power struggles, I'm totally in the it-better-be-reasonable camp. One of the most useful parenting tips is 'pick your battles'. I let her have her way unless I really feel it's necessary. I'm hoping the minimal struggles means she lets me have my way when I ask for it.... or at least some of the time. :)
Napping/sleeping/eating - I just don't believe anyone can be MADE to do these things, unless by force.
I'll probably wear a black band the day she no longer wants naps.
Hi there. My son (almost 3) gave up naps probably last year and he does go to bed a bit earlier now - usually asleep by around 8. He still nurses to sleep though, which is helpful. Sometimes though he is still up and running around at 10. if he falls asleep in the car, for instance, or if he hasn't eaten as much as I feel he should have it tends to happen, but sometimes there is no specific reason - he is just full of energy. I think I am just better at going with the flow now. I use the Angel cards, and when I asked for help with this I drew the card Surrender, so i guess thats what I do. You are not alone xx
Pour yourself a glass of wine and whine! Remember someday these problems will look small and your son will be dealing with them!
Hi Alexis. I hope you don't mind me commenting and making a couple of suggestions - please just ignore me if you want!
I had a very similar thing to what you are describing when R was ready to give up naps. Almost identical, in fact. He would go down for a nap, and then a few minutes later I would hear him moving around in his room or other rooms in the house etc - just as you've described. It took someone else to tell me that he was telling me he didn't want a nap anymore, and it was only because he was such an obliging little boy that he was laying down in the first place (because he knew that was what I wanted him to do)
Similarly to you, I posted about this on the internet, and someone suggested that I forget about naps and just let him sleep when he's tired. It's such a simple suggestion but it blew me away - and that's what I did. I would like to make the same suggestion to you. Lucas knows when he is tired and when he is alert. Let him decide when to sleep. It's very scary, I know, because that means not having "bedtimes" too. It means trusting your child, which is a very difficult thing to do until you get used to it.
I stopped putting R down for a nap. Sometimes he still wanted a bit of quiet time and we would sit and read for a while or something, and other times he just kept going at full pelt all day. After a little while I also stopped having any arbitrary bedtime (7:30pm every day regardless), and let R stay up or go to sleep as he wished. It feels very strange to start with, but I cannot tell you the huge improvement in the atmosphere in our house since we made these changes.
The evenings have been transformed. When we had bedtimes, there was always this mad rush to get baths done, read stories, settle down, all before some arbitrary pre-decided time. R was also beginning to resist bedtimes, in the same way that he resisted naps before. He would go down, but then reappear a few minutes later asking for food or drink or play. In hindsight, he was telling us he wasn't quite ready to go to bed yet. Now we don't have bedtimes the evenings are beautiful and all that stress of trying to get him to sleep has gone. Sometimes he takes himself off to bed around 7:30 anyway; other times he's still up and about at 10pm - it's entirely up to him. He still gets enough sleep, because nobody else but him knows how much sleep he needs and when he needs to sleep.
I understand completely where you are coming from, but I think if you can trust Lucas to know for himself when he needs to sleep, and let him know that you trust him with that, and it's up to him, you might see an end to many of these "power struggles".
It took me a long time to realise it, and I know it's very hard when you're used to a certain way of doing things, and there will be a transition period when it will all feel a bit strange, but letting go of control around sleep and bedtimes in one of the best things I ever did as a mother, and I can't recommend it highly enough. It has had such a positive effect on all the relationships within the family; we are all happier and more relaxed as a direct result of that.
When you describe a "power struggle" it seems you are talking about trying to control Lucas in some way. I used to be the same, and letting go of that control, and letting R lead the way has transformed our lives. :)
First off, to everyone who suggested dropping the nap: Thank you, bless you, and you were absolutely right! Duh for me and my stubbornness. No nap yesterday = asleep before 8, no pop-ups.
Mon ~ You're so right - you can't make someone eat or sleep. I laughed out loud at the black band comment. I guess I should make mine now.
Jacqui ~ Surrender is one of those life-long lessons for me, and even though I know it, it sometimes takes being hit over the head with it for me to realize I'm being given another chance to learn it. :)
Katybeth ~ I had that glass of wine!
Debs ~ I so appreciate what you shared! Thanks for taking the time to write how that looked in your home. It really resonated that "power struggle" translated to me trying to control Lucas. Ugh. Hate to admit it, but it's true. I am ready to release the naps, like I mentioned above. Not sure if I'm ready to let go of bedtime yet. (I'm a slow learner when it comes to letting go.) We have moved it back to 8pm, which seems about right for him, and it's just a general time frame, not a hard and fast deadline. After letting go of the naps, if he starts doing the pop-ups again at bedtime, be sure I will remember this.
Thanks again, everyone, for your insights and support. When I read this post to my husband, he said it "wasn't very interesting." You've all shown me that shared experience is always interesting. I shouldn't read my posts to my husband. Cheers!
Just wanted to add a great article I read that helped me with the shift that happened at age 3 with my older son...
http://www.gordonneufeld.com/course_counterwill.php
Of course, no one wants to be controlled, and we all have an innate response when we feel we are being controlled.
Stacy~ Thanks for the article link. Yep, counterwill is a good word for it.
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