Work to Do*

I've started to insist that Lucas take care of a few more things by himself. At three, his motor skills are sufficiently developed to do basic daily tasks like get dressed, make his bed, clear the table, and wipe his butt. I'd been avoiding this delegation of responsibility for a variety of stupid reasons:

1. He was asking me to do these things for him, and I was under the misguided notion that I was building our bond by saying yes unless there was a really compelling reason to say no. (It didn't occur to me until recently that personal responsibility and self-confidence could be compelling reasons.)
   
2. I didn't want to add more opportunities for us to lock horns.
   
3. It took him too long and I was impatient.
   
4. I'm better at them. Might as well do them myself.
   

So what made me change my mind? Was the answer revealed in meditation? Did my journaling suddenly yield an epiphany? I'd love to say so, but no.

I read another book.

I know, I know. I need to learn to trust myself and stop looking to experts who don't know my child, but THIS one (Kids are Worth it!, by Barbara Coloroso) was really helpful and here's why: Reading it tripped a little memory switch in my mind, and suddenly I was back in my classroom teaching my second and third graders at Willamette Primary in the '90s. I could see myself empowering them to take responsibility for themselves in everything from homework to personal conflicts. I could see their class meetings, their brainstorming sessions to come up with solutions to classroom problems, their independence, and their confidence. I could clearly see how giving them the space to muddle through things that were initially difficult, while offering just the right amount of encouragement and guidance, resulted in astounding capacity and self-esteem. By half-way through each year, they were practically running the class themselves.

Through my little flash-back, I could see how I was currently robbing my son of this same experience by doing everything for him. The more I helped, the more he needed. The more I said yes, the more he demanded. Mothering him was becoming exhausting and annoying.

I began to insist that Lucas take care of a few more things by himself, while affirming that I knew he could handle it. At first, I did the tasks with him, narrating each step of the process. For example:

"This is how you can lay out your pajamas. You can sit on them here and then slide your legs into the little footies. That's right. Now slide your arms into the armholes. You've got it. Now stand up and zip it up. You did it!"

I narrated this one twice for him, slowly and step by step, before he had it. Sure, it took a lot longer than pulling them on him myself, but now when I say, "It's time to put on your pjs," he goes in his room to put them on by himself, taking up none of my time. Brilliant, isn't it?

I did the same with putting on socks and shoes, making his bed, wiping his bottom, and cleaning up after himself if he'd made a mess. It feels like I've spent the last two weeks doing nothing more than coaching him through these basic tasks. It's been kind of relaxing, actually. It takes a lot less energy to sit and watch him than it does to be lifting, bending, picking up, cleaning up, harping, and complaining.

My mother was over on one of those days and observed, "You seem awfully patient all of a sudden. What changed?" It reminded me of when I was teaching, and people would compliment me on my perceived patience. I would tell them, "Oh no, I'm not patient at all. That's why it's worth it to me to build this independence now, so I don't have to listen to the whining, tattling, or arguing for the rest of the year. That would drive me crazy."

The same holds true for Lucas. It's not patience. It's hedging my bets! It's peacefully accepting the process, and trusting that we're on the right track. I know we're on the right track because the power struggles have almost completely stopped, he's eager to show off his competence, and we're enjoying our time together much more. He's spending his time engaged in meaningful work that's challenging enough to keep him interested, while not frustrating him. This work has taken the place of activities like begging for snacks all day long, arguing with me, throwing temper tantrums, and bugging the cats.

The possibilities for meaningful work are endless! If he happens to splash water on the floor of the bathroom while washing his hands, I say, "There's the towel," and he gets to work wiping it up. If he drops a few crumbs on the floor during snack, I hand him the mini dustpan and broom and he happily practices his sweeping. If he has an accident in his underwear, I say, "Hmm… It looks like you have a problem. What's your plan to solve it?" He says, "I'm going to go change my underwear and put these in the laundry." And then I say, "Sounds good. I know you can handle it." Off he goes.

I love it! I get help and he gains skills and confidence! I think the power struggles have dwindled because he's finding appropriate ways of exercising his power and competence. It seems like such a no-brainer now, but I just couldn't see it before.

Next, I'm going to teach him to cook. That'll save me some time!



*Interesting that this song by the Isley Brothers is one of Lucas' current faves.