Wanted: Precisely one parenting book titled something to the effect of, How to Effectively Parent Your Strong-Willed, Quirky 3 ½-Year-Old Without Resorting to Punishment, Threats, Bribery, or Drugs, While at the Same Time, Insuring that You Won't be Unleashing a Free-Wheeling Monster-Boy into Society a Few Short Years From Now.
I Googled it, but couldn't find a match. If I figure out the answer, (and a shorter title) I'll most certainly write it myself.
It's time for true confessions here at Taking the Lid off the Sun. With the exception of a brief hiatus of about two months that ended a couple of weeks ago, Lucas has been on my last nerve since SEPTEMBER! I wrote about some of those parenting struggles last fall, and thought I'd discovered the answer after the holidays. Some of his current behavior falls under the category of general willfulness and contrariness, along with far more energy than I know how to handle, which I know is very normal for this age, though no less aggravating. Other behaviors seem more quirky and disturbing. Confident in his knowledge that I find them quirky and disturbing, he focuses a lot of time and attention on those, in particular. Would you like some examples?
- Teasing his playmates …
He asks a playmate if he'd like a particular toy. When playmate says yes, he pulls it away and refuses to relinquish it. Or he sits close to his playmate on the sofa and the playmate says, "Don't sit so close." Lucas moves so close he's almost on top of him. He seems to take pleasure in watching them get upset. (That's the disturbing part for me.) - … and one of our cats
He has singled out one of our cats as "the enemy," and is constantly hassling him: tapping him, chasing him, and putting stuff on him. The other day, Lucas deliberately knocked a planted orchid onto the carpet and had the audacity to blame Hakuna, even though I was standing right there and watched him do it. If you want to see some older footage of him bugging our sweet cat with some James Brown moves, watch this. His little toddler voice is saying, "Kuna don't bite you." Meaning, "Hakuna, don't bite me." - Obsessing about boobies …
This has been a long-standing preoccupation for Lucas, dating back to before he was two, when he associated the bras in Victoria's Secret with his first crush: one of my friends. "Bras … Shauna!!!" Now, when he feels like making noise but has nothing in particular to say, he usually chants, "Boobies, boobies, boobies, I love boobies, boobies, boobies," ad nauseum. He changes song lyrics to include boobies in each verse. When one of my friends comes over and (discretely, mind you) nurses her younger child, Lucas crawls right up next to her and stares at her with a sly grin, saying, "You got your boobies out. Can I touch your boobies, boobies, boobies?" I mean, really! Luckily my friend isn't bothered by it, but - call me a prude - it bugs the heck out of me. Especially when it triggers this next one … - …and penises
I know all little boys discover the pleasures of the penis early on. But Lucas seems to associate it with seeing boobies, and this just doesn't strike me as normal for this age. Is it? Are they actually capable of having sexual thoughts at three and a half?! The last time this same friend was over and began nursing, he actually began to, um … diddle, while staring at her bosom and smiling. I told him that touching himself was perfectly fine, but it was a private thing, so could he please go to his room or else stop? At which point, he ran away from me, took off his pants and began to flash her in earnest, laughing maniacally and screaming, "Look at my penis! Look at my penis!! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!!" I couldn't think of what to do other than tell him that if he did that as a grown up, the police would arrest him and put him in jail. He doesn't even know what jail is, but somehow it made an impression. He stopped and put his clothes back on. A few days later, he randomly told another friend of mine, "If you are a grownup and you show your penis … uh (realizing he had the wrong part) … if you show your vagina to other people, the police will give you a ticket and put you in the jail."
I'm sure I could have handled this better. - Screaming bloody murder
I have said this before: I haven't ever given in to his demands when he resorts to throwing fits. We all know that's a parenting no-no. Nonetheless, he still regularly relies on this strategy. These days, when he doesn't get his way, or when we ask him to do something he doesn't want to do, he first shouts, "NO!" and does this insulting little raspberry thing with his lips, "Ppph!" very loudly and sharply … and then he begins to scream. It's the kind of breathtaking and extended screaming that would have certainly summoned Children's Services if our neighbors didn't know us better. Like I said, it never works to get him his way, but it does manage to bug the crap out of us, and in that way, I guess he gains some power.
Trust or Control?
A part of my awareness keeps urging me to just surrender to all of this. Just accept him as he is, in all aspects. Accept the booby songs and the penis obsession, the screaming and teasing, the crashing, bashing and destructive play, and trust that it's just a really annoying phase and that's all. Trust that it's not an indicator of a lifetime of offensive behavior.I'm not to that place of trust yet. I keep thinking there has to be something I could be doing differently in my parenting. That's the core of it, isn't it? What are we really able to control as parents, and what is just the luck of the draw? How much can we manipulate their environment, reactions, and character, and how much is simply out of our hands?
I've tried time-out, time-in, pausing to breathe and regroup, hugging during fits, structure and rhythm, predictability, balancing rigorous play with quiet play, independence and togetherness. I've removed the sugar and quick-to-convert carbs from his diet and upped his protein. I've agonized over the merits of sending him to preschool or keeping him home. Just how many variables do I want to be responsible for? The more I adjust them, the more personally I take it when the outcome is not what I intended.
My ultimate fear is that if I relinquish the control; if I don't do my best to pick the RIGHT variables, he may not have the chance to become the boy and the man I hope him to be. That's the truth. I can call it being a conscious parent, but is it, really? Or is it selfishness, pride, ego instead?
I obviously don't know, and I'm not yet willing surrender enough to find out. Perhaps some of you have some helpful perspectives to share.
In the meantime, it is with humility that I leave you with today's gem of a solution to Lucas' defiance:
The Carrot-Nose Solution
A few months ago, before we cut him off of media, Lucas watched Chitty Chitty Bang Bang about eleventy billion times. Toward the end, there is a character called the Kid Catcher who … well, catches kids. He has a very long nose - all the better to sniff out children - and so Lucas dubbed him the Carrot Nose. He was very interested in this character, imitating him, dressing up like him, and telling stories about him. He was also a bit afraid of him, as one would expect. After all, the Carrot Nose catches kids and puts them into the kid-catcher cage.
In one of my least shining parenting moments, I discovered that picking up the phone and pretending to call the Carrot Nose was a sure-fire way to gain instant compliance during an impasse.
In one of my least shining parenting moments, I discovered that picking up the phone and pretending to call the Carrot Nose was a sure-fire way to gain instant compliance during an impasse.
"Yes, is this the Carrot Nose? Oh hi! Yeah, I have a kid here who … "
Lucas cuts his fit short, pleading, "I'm cooperating! I'm cooperating! Don't call the Carrot Nose! Hang up!"
Lucas cuts his fit short, pleading, "I'm cooperating! I'm cooperating! Don't call the Carrot Nose! Hang up!"
"Oh, well, it looks like we won't be needing you after all … Yes … Mm hmm … No, I'm sure. Okay, thank you. Bye."
Problem solved.
We'll deal with therapy later.
I don't think you'll find this strategy recommended in any parenting books.What's one of your least-stellar parenting moments?
11 comments:
Hi Alexis: I enjoyed reading about your true confessions since it makes me realize that as parents, it's okay for us not to have all of the answers. I actually don't have any advice for you... But, I have to admit that my husband did something similar to calling Carrot Nose when he was fed up with Moses pooping in his pants. He told Moses that if he didn't poop in his potty, the polic would take all of his toys. I was not a supporter of this tactic, but neither did I stop DH from doing so... My husband jokingly said that he would write a book about this tactic because it worked (in the short-term) -- though Moses is back to pooping in his pants again. And now when Moses does something that he's proud of doing, he one of the first things that he wants us to do is call the police (to share in the joy).
Janice
The the carrot nose part of this story is just the best.!! Maybe you could shred a few carrots and leave them around after a bad moment--"he was watching...sniffing you out..those are his nose drippings" Ok, maybe to far..? If you do use it be sure to curl the carrots a bit. Ok. OH...and there is always little Bunny Foo Foo snapping up the bad field mice and turning them into GOONS. Worked with Cole every time.
When in awe I wondered how our Waldorf EC teacher managed to get twenty 4 year olds through the advent walk with apples and lit candles in silence, while we watched --she smiled slyly and mentioned something about Golden walnuts for well behaved children. I just loved Ms. Evans.
I don't have any sage advice...some say a well aimed smack to the behind can end things quickly. If it works, why not. The problem is most of the time is doesn't work but would I try it once. Maybe. I’m a big fan of quick and over. Cole was really easy and God really did know what he was doing because he was not blessed with patient parents. On occasion, Joe would grab him, hold him at eye level...look at him with true intent and say in a booming voice “YOU MAY NOT, WILL NOT DO THAT.” It worked, and truthfully, I am a fan of a little of that male energy especially with boys. Love and compassion is the base but kids need (IMO) to know when our limits have been reached.
I wouldn't ignore Lukas behavior because it bothers you. I would talk to professionals who can help you--in other words a pro parent professional . I would image these kind of incidents can be stressful to your peaceful kingdom and I can't speak for everyone (I wish I could) but I think its important to raise a boy/man that turns out in away that shows off all our work and agonizing.
You don't know me but Katybeth insisted I write to put in my two cents. I have several thoughts and since I don't know you or Lucas I hope you take them with the spirit in which they are intended. First, you should know that when my children were born I (teasingly) tell people that I started three funds; one for college; one for a car; and the last one for the therapy bill we are sure to incur to fix all the mistakes I made while they were growing up. That being said, here's what I've got for you.
-I love, love, love the carrot nose story. It got the result you wanted, one was hurt, and fear of the carrot nose may come in handy for a while. Keep it alive!
-A wise friend of mine once told me to never make a threat or promise you weren't willing to follow through with don't say it. Regardless of whether the kids comes out on the up or down side of the deal, in their eyes the adult is still untrustworthy. Because of this I did many things I wasn't proud of (including stabbing my son with a fork, YIKES!; and taking my kids to the fair while I had strep throat) I always followed through on what I said. They know that even today and they are 17 and 20.
-The same wise friend also told me that while it is nice to give kids choices, the choices need to be limited to desirable options. So instead of "Will you please get dressed?" I learned to say, "Are you wearing your blue pants or the green ones today?"
-As far as school goes, I believe there is a great deal of social behavior that goes on at school, without Mom running interference. It sounds cruel but in many cases, especially in the young ones, getting told "I don't like you. You're mean and I don't want to play with you," from another child can cure what you've been unable to. The Lord of the Flies guy knew what he was talking about. This may also help on the booby and penis thing. In cases like this the best reaction is no reaction.
-In regard to the penis thing my son was obsessed with his. He held it ALL the time. He even named it (Mrs. Petunia, of all things!) I told him that if he wasn't careful it would one day come off in his hand and then he would have to pee like a girl. Probably an oops, but it worked.
-Choose your battles. As much as we would like our children to always be well dressed and groomed, it may not be worth the monumental battle it sometimes turns out to be. I am a complete control freak but I learned early on I could not control everything. I chose to let clothes and hair be up to them, as long as they were clean. My kids often looked like they were from the local homeless shelter, but I did save my strength for the battles about what to eat and when to go to bed. However, I feel I should warn you, as they got older the clothes thing worked itself out but my son had long hair, short hair, no hair, and a mohawk at his high school graduation. now I don't fight about piercings but I stand firm on tattoos (until they turn 18 and earn their own money to buy them.)
-Take a break when you need one. Go out, call someone else to take over when you think you might not like Lucas more than you like him.
As I look back I have no doubt that I made MANY mistakes, but my kids know that they are loved ALWAYS and UNCONDITIONALLY. This makes them confident and sometimes supremely annoying. So really the best advice is write it all down and remember to laugh!
Good luck!
Janice ~ Isn't it funny how the police thing got turned around for Moses? How he wanted to show off the positive accomplishments to them even after the threat of them taking all his toys? Lucas was the same with the Carrot Nose. He's afraid of me calling him, but he also "wrote" a book about him, and pretends to play with him sometimes.
He told me he would put a carrot on his nose with some tape and some glue, and then wear a cape and a hat, and then when the Carrot Nose came to the house, he would say, "Hey! There is no boy here - just another Carrot Nose! Let's go play!"
Katybeth ~ Well, you know I'm not a spanker, so that one won't work for me, and I have my strong doubts as to the efficacy of that strategy. As for the strong male energy saying NO!, Toby's on break now, and it is helping. It's kind of the good cop, bad cop thing. I envy you your easy Cole. Easy was not part of the deal with our dear Lucas. I knew that somehow from the get-go.
Carla ~ Welcome to Taking the Lid off the Sun!! I laughed until I cried reading your comments! Mrs. Petunia?! OMG - hilarious! Thanks for taking the time to share here, and I hope you'll come back to offer more of your wonderful perspective.
I think your point about social pressures taking care of some of these behaviors is a really good one for me to take to heart.
And remembering to laugh is key. Which is why I shared the Carrot Nose story. While it may be frowned upon by some, and while it may not have been my best move as a mom, it made me laugh to think back on it, and lightening up to laugh at our mistakes is what makes this whole journey more enjoyable. Thanks!
Cheers!
Alexis
HA! I love the carrot nose story! That is a story to remember for sure. I hope you write that in his baby book.
Do you ever get right in there with him? Sometimes that diffused my own 3 1/2 year old's attempts to rile when I start shouting out "poopy, poopy" right with him. Other times I get in child's pose in the middle of the living room floor.
The best toddler tool I've learned is finding the yes in the no. e.g. "You want to diddle yourself? You can do that in your room." "You want to climb the table? You can climb the couch or the tree outside." "You want to shout POOP!!!? You can do that in the bathroom." It feels good and is often effective. Then too we don't have to make the behavior stop, which obviously they want to do.
My most egregious parenting moment? Oh my. With four kids in the house there are too many to count. My mantra around here is "say you're sorry. Say goodnight. Try again tomorrow."
I love your blog!
Hi Bernadette! I LOVE the visual of you dropping into child's pose in the middle of the living room! I'll have to try that. As for finding the yes, we do that quite often. Where do you suppose is a good place to chant, "Boobies, boobies, boobies?" :-)
Tonight, in middle of talking to him quite seriously about cleaning up his mess, he turned around, dropped his drawers and mooned me!!! Un-friggin' believable. It was hard to keep a straight face, and I'm proud of the way I didn't give it any energy, one way or another. This is a crazy job!
Thanks for your support!
Cheers!
Alexis
Alexis, I loved your true confessions, and the comments too, especially Bernadette's. I'm with her mantra "Say you're sorry. Say goodnight. Try again tomorrow." I have experienced variations on almost everything you describe here, although not all in one kid! So consider Lucas precocious:-) Bright, testing, pushing the limits - he'll create something extraordinary one day I think. Or at the very least be a very fascinating being. Either way, this will all be water on the bridge.
As I think I mentioned a little earlier, I am currently on a parenting advice hiatus. Meaning I'm not soliciting or giving any out! I think I got to a similar point as you are here in this post - every time I felt like I had figured something out, it would all fall apart in a matter of weeks. So I stopped putting energy into that, at least for now. So no ideas from me!
that last comment was me:-)
Thanks, Lisa! Your parenting advice hiatus is great! For me, sharing the process (humble pie and all) is part of the point of my blog, but I know it isn't yours, so I respect your stand on it. I appreciate you chiming in, and your positive words for Lucas. We can only hope, eh?
Cheers!
Alexis
my mum used to use the 'carrot nose' trick...except she used to call my uncle, who would pretend to be a him and put him on the phone to my brother. my uncle would ask if my brother was going to be nice again, and if not did he want to be collected? it sorted things for a few days at a time.
how about the 3, 2, 1 rule? if he hasn't stopped by 1, you take away his (insert favorite object here), cancel the trip to the (insert place here), wont make cakes with him/he can only drink water for the entire day the next day, and stick to it? sounds so novice. but it whats iv used with the little one i look after sinse she was 2, shes now 8 and perfect for me..her parents cant understand it. she was really spoilt and used screaming/throwing/locking herself in the bathroom, hitting the dog with a chair etc... but with me, i ask her to stop doing something, if she doesn't i just count 3, 2. |(i only ever reached 1 twice, the first two times i did it..then she realised i was serious when i canceled her horse riding lesson). i sound really harsh reading this back, but i guess now shes brilliant for me, and she doesnt get anything taken away from her.
hope your well lady,
xxxxxxxxx
P.S. Zara used to watch chitty chitty bang bang a billion bjillion times, we would wake up at 6 and go down stairs and shed want to watch it 2 or 3 times and would ask for reassurance that the child catcher/bogey man didn't live around here. its a very good childrens film xx
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