The Quirky Intuitive Child – Ten parenting tips I’m learning the hard way

According to the latest numbers out from the Allmyfriends Research Institute, the terrible threes have gained ground over the terrible twos in parental frustration. This has certainly been the case in my home, which has been terrorized on and off over the past seven months by a highly energetic, willful, and sensitive child. 


Through trial and more errors than I'd like to admit, I've discovered a number of practices that seem to help mitigate the challenges inherent in parenting a sensitive three-year-old. I think they'll be helpful for all parents, though especially so if your three-year-old is ten steps ahead of your every move, and also happens to be amplifying all of your inner frustration you thought you were so cleverly hiding. 

Intuitive children bring their own set of challenges to the family dynamic, and if we aren't careful, we can slip into a lot of unproductive blaming, self-blaming, and diagnosing of our children. "Why is he so hyperactive? Should I have him tested for ADHD?" "Why is she such a control-freak? She's running the whole house!" "Why aren't I a better parent? I should have a handle on this. It shouldn't be this hard." Does any of this sound familiar? 


Before you go calling the psychiatrist, here are ten things I've learned that help restore a bit of sanity to our home. When I practice them consistently, Lucas is a happy (though still energetic, willful and sensitive) boy, and I am a more happy and balanced mom. When I forget to practice them, he reminds me with some crazy behavior, and if I'm paying attention, I get back on track right away. If I'm not paying attention, it takes more crazy behavior until I get it.

Ten Tips on Parenting the Quirky, Intuitive Child

 

1. Get Rhythm

Balance your day's rhythms so your child has down time after up time, independent time after social time, time with you after time away from you, outside time after inside time. Get the picture? For example, too much stimulation from playing with other kids, attending preschool, or being out in crowds will build up stress in your child. If it isn't balanced with time and space to decompress, they'll let out that negative energy in unfortunate ways. 


For us, this meant cutting back on play dates to ensure enough down time and independent time for him. Plus, on the days he's in preschool in the mornings, I've designated special together time in the afternoons in which we play games or do projects.

2. Balance brain chemistry

Sensitive kids are sensitive to everything, including sugar. Here's a great resource to learn more about sugar sensitivity in kids. Basically, sugar-sensitive people have a triple-whammy of low blood sugar, low serotonin, and low beta-endorphins. This sets up a cycle of craving more sugar, which throws the brain chemicals further off balance. What a bummer, huh? We noticed long ago that Lucas became a different boy in a very, very bad way when he ate the occasional fruit bar or raisins. All those "healthy" dried fruit snacks and bars you might be giving your kids are nothing but concentrated sugar, which is bad news for sensitive children. 


The answer that worked for us? More protein with each meal, and limiting snacks to whole fruits and veggies (organic apples and carrot sticks, mostly). The sugar in apples, especially, hits the bloodstream steadily over time, avoiding the spikes that throw off the brain chemistry. Lucas has adjusted to the lack of crackers and carb-y snacks, and as a bonus, he has actually lost a little of the extra chub his was carrying.

3. Meditate

This is for you, not for them - although it wouldn't hurt them to know that you practice, and who knows? They're probably already doing some form of meditation already. I've written about this time and again, but it bears repeating: This is one of my most important practices for staying grounded and nonreactive when Lucas acts up. Go back and read those links and the related posts for a more in-depth exploration of why this helps.

Currently, I'm meditating at the beginning of his naptime or "quiet time", or as soon as I get home from taking him to preschool. I light a little candle, gather my cat Princess on my lap, and begin. She loves meditating, too, and her soft, purring body is very grounding for me. Grab your pet and give it a try!

4. Clean your own (energetic) messes

Since sensitive kids notice and amplify the energies around them more intensely than others, it's going to affect them more when you're mad at your spouse, stressed about finances, or worried about world events. If you have a lot of negative talk going on in your mind - even if you aren't saying anything out loud - it's being transmitted like a radio signal right to your little receiver, who is too young to know what to do with it, other than act crazy. Be a good model and clean up your mental messes.


A good strategy for me is to write in my journal. I find it's a good place to vent and release a lot of negative energy without exploding on anyone else. Also, see #3. For you, it might be exercise, a walk in nature, painting, or playing music. Whatever it is that clears your negativity and restores you to the present moment is a great practice.

5. Accentuate the positive

Sometimes, it's hard to keep sight of what we love most about our three-year-old little beasties. If complaining about the challenging behavior has become a habit, it can be very difficult to turn it around into something positive. Once again, sensitive children pick up on thoughts like, "YOU'RE BUGGING ME SO MUCH!" even if you're trying your best to speak in a soft, kind voice and use nice words. Try to focus on the aspects of your child that you adore, and keep those as dominant thoughts in your mind.


I recently started doing an exercise in my journal every day, called "Positive Aspects." The idea comes from the Abraham/Hicks books on the law of attraction. I quickly jot down ten positive aspects of Lucas; ten things I admire, love, respect about him. I also write positive aspects about my husband and for myself, too, just for good measure. It takes all of five minutes, and it really does help get my thoughts focused on the positive rather than the negative in all three of us. Like attracts like, so if I can start off with a few positive thoughts jotted in my journal, I'm more likely to have more positive thoughts throughout the day.

6. Establish routines and predictability

Young children thrive on predictability! They love to know what's happening when, and that's challenging for them if every day is a different story. Knowing that certain things always happen on certain days or at certain times of the day helps children feel grounded and secure. For intuitive children who can tend toward spaciness and inattentiveness, the grounding that comes with predictability is golden, and cuts way back on power struggles. You can create routines around meals, outings, bedtime, or any transition time in the day. 

Predictability inhibits them from challenging every little decision you make. It becomes more about, "This is what we do," and less about "I'm telling you to do this thing right now." There is so much more to be said about this tip, and if you want an in-depth look at the beauty of routines, read Simplicity Parenting, by Kim John Payne.


One of our routines is around meals. First we wash hands, then we set the table, then we have a moment of silence, (which he LOVES, by the way) and then we eat together. I sing a little hand-washing song that sets the whole thing in motion. Getting him to the table with clean hands used to be terribly annoying and tedious. Now that we've had a consistent routine, it's much easier.
 

7. Use leverage

Some of you may not like this one, and sadly, Alfie Kohn will now probably never be my friend, but based on the responses I received to my Carrot-Nose story, I expect I'll have at least a few of you in agreement. If there is a non-negotiable thing you want your child to do, (and you haven't already incorporated it into a predictable routine, or maybe you're working on turning it into a predictable routine) and your spirited child refuses, then what do you do? Maybe I'm the only one who's running into this little dilemma. You know that the more you insist, the deeper you dig yourself into the power struggle of no return. This is where leverage shows some promise. At the far end of the leverage continuum is fear, and we really want to avoid that if we can, but if all else fails, sometimes a call to the Carrot Nose can get things on track. A less therapy-inducing use of leverage might be to think about how your day is structured and position some highly motivating activities after some of the challenging ones. 


For us, this might look like playing a game of Candyland together AFTER he brushes his teeth in the morning or whatever it is I need him to do. It's not exactly a bribe. I'm not telling him I'll play Candyland IF he brushes his teeth. We already have the game time planned. There are just certain things that need to be taken care of before we settle in to play, and since he's eager to play, he gets right to them. I think leverage is a good word for this.

8. Assign chores

You might be thinking, "Right. I can barely get my three-year-old to pee in the toilet, and now you want me to assign chores?" Yes, I do, and here's why. This age is so much about control and will. Giving them a meaningful place to exercise that control is almost heady for them. They love being in charge of a job as long as it's a task that's appropriate for their abilities and not too frustrating. Things like getting themselves dressed, making their bed, setting the table, and cleaning up toys are all very doable at this age. This ties in really well with #6 - Routines and predictability, so they know exactly when and how a chore is to be done, without too much interference from you. 


To introduce a chore, first show them how to do it and let them watch you a few times. Then do the chore together until they really have it down to your satisfaction. (This is not a time to indulge your inner perfectionist. Three-year-old bed-making looks different than grown-up bed-making, and that's okay for now.) Finally, relinquish control and let them take over.


Lucas' routine for morning chores is drawn in pictures on a little poster in his room: 1. (picture of a made bed), 2. (pictures of underwear, pants, shirt, and socks) 3. (picture of the sink, soap and a towel). After some practice, he now makes his bed, gets dressed, and washes his hands before breakfast … all on his own. The poster is a fun visual reminder for him. If he forgets something, I just say "poster" and he knows what to do.
 

9. Stay neutral

Staying neutral is about not letting our buttons get pushed. Our intuitive children know exactly where we've installed each of those buttons, and they are experts at pushing them. It's interesting for them to get big reactions from us. Like a puppeteer pulling the puppet strings, they can get us to hop and scream quite easily if we are off our game. What control! What fun! If, on the other hand, we can stay in a space of neutrality, we give them less power to play around with, and the game loses its charm. 


For me, practicing #3 and #4 make it much more likely that I will be able to stay neutral. It has to be deeper than my tone of voice. Lucas can tell if I'm faking calm, and it just motivates him to try harder. True groundedness and non-reactivity is like anti-venom to crazy behavior.

10. Have a sense of humor

There isn't much to be said about this. You all know what funny is, and most of the time, it's probably your quirky child. You just need to stay in the right frame of mind to appreciate it and enjoy it. Yes, this parenting gig is an often overwhelming responsibility. Yes, we probably take it way too seriously most of the time. Let's give ourselves permission to lighten up and laugh a little more.


 
I hope you've found these tips helpful. They are a work in progress for me. I'd love to hear what you think of them, or if you have more to add.


 
In summary …

Ten Tips on Parenting the Quirky Child (Nutshell Version)

1. Get rhythm
   
2. Balance brain chemistry
   
3. Meditate
   
4. Clean your own (energetic) messes
   
5. Accentuate the positive
   
6. Establish routines and predictability
   
7. Use leverage
   
8. Assign chores
   
9. Stay neutral
   
10. Have a sense of humor
    

 
Cheers!

Alexis