For sensitive kids, power seems to be a really big deal. Lucas would much prefer to be in charge of the world, and anything short of that is somewhat frustrating for him. When powerful kids don't have healthy outlets for expressing and exercising their power, life gets difficult for everyone. They throw tantrums, stall, refuse to cooperate, and generally choose the opposite of whatever it is you'd like them to do.
The important thing to remember is that their need for power is an authentic one. There is no way we will ever convince them that they really don't get to have that power. Sensitive kids are born this way, and if nurtured and directed properly, this quality will serve them very well as adults. Therefore, it's important that we learn how to meet their need for power in positive ways. I can't tell you how many times I've forgotten this, and what a relief it's been each time I've remembered and made appropriate adjustments.
Empowerment is not the same as giving them total control. This is an important distinction. Young children lack the emotional maturity to handle too much control and responsibility, and they can become power-hungry little dictators if there aren't firm limits in place. So … it's a balance - always a balance - between limits and freedom.
Rather than continue to explain what I mean, I thought I'd give you a list of some of the ways I've come up with so far to help our three-year-old feel empowered.
Ways we give Lucas some authentic power:
- He dresses himself, and what he wears is his own choice. If we feel his outfit needs some adjustment for weather or venue, we'll mention the concern and let him figure out a new solution.
- He makes his own bed. Yes, I'm sure to him this feels like a chore instead of empowerment, but knowing he can do such a grown-up task is actually empowering for him. He has a little sign on his wall with pictures showing what his three tasks are each morning before coming to breakfast: 1 – make bed, 2 – get dressed, 3 – wash hands/brush teeth. Most mornings, he does it all on his own without reminders. He's learning personal responsibility.
- He helps set the table and pour waters.
- He clears his own place when he's finished with a meal.
- We have distinct routines throughout the day, so we don't have to be the ones to tell him what needs to happen next.
- The music studio: Toby has worked with Lucas enough on expectations and limits in the music studio to entrust him to spend some time in there on his own. We watch through the glass door while he moves from one instrument to the next, taking care to use everything properly and put things back the way he found them. He loves this freedom and takes the responsibility seriously.
- The "art studio:" I just created this for him recently with his train table in a little nook in the den. All of his art supplies are out and organized, and everything has a place. After we worked here together a few times, making sure to practice the expectations and limits, he now has the freedom to work here on his own whenever he chooses. He no longer has to wait for me to set up supplies and set aside time to "do a project" together. He has instant access as long as he takes care of his space. So far, so good. Here it is:
These are just a few ideas. I'd love to hear some of yours! How do you meet your child's need for power? What hasn't worked? Let's all learn from one another. You have so much wisdom to share!
Cheers!
Alexis
3 comments:
Alexis
Not sure I can think of any other examples right now, but I loved all of your ideas for how to empower. I guess, we try to implement a general approach of empowerment - letting the children decide things for themselves (such as suggesting where to go on a day out) and then discussing it with them. Which isn't to say that they always get to choose, just that they are aware that their suggestions are taken as seriously as any M or I might make and then we make a collective decision taking account of everyone's preferences. Would be good to hear some other suggestions.
Actually one other one that's worked for us is around bedtime - we have a set routine (bath, drink, story, snuggle, bed) and it rarely varies, so they are always in bed by a set time, giving us an evening together. However, once in bed they can do whatever they like provided that they don't disturb each other or us - so often times they'll look at books; look at their sticker collections, have a quiet play with a stuffed animal friend or two. Provided they are quiet about it, they can choose when they actually lie down and go to sleep. It definitely takes away the bedtime battles and gives them a sense of control. We're working on a similar thing in the mornings - they can get up when they choose, but can't open anyone else's door, and must be quiet.
As I write, more ideas are coming - food is the other big one. They get to choose breakfast and lunch (from an offered selection of all healthy stuff, so I'm happy with whatever that choice is). Dinner, I will only cook one meal, but provided they try it first, if they genuinely don't like it, they are just allowed bread and fruit. Means no arguments at the table, calm meal times and an open and healthy approach to food (I should add, the majority of the time I do cook stuff I know they like, so the bread/fruit offer tends to only be used if there is a particular part of the meal they don't like, or if we are trying a new food, or if it's just "one of those days"
I think this is a struggle parents face at all ages. Children desire the power to govern themselves. With governing comes responsibility. How much a child can handle is the tricky part or even tricker is how willing is the parent to let go. When Cole was little he was never hot. I never gave him a "coat choice" he just knew he should be the one to decide if he needed a coat or not. Finally and not easily, I let go. The coat went along but he decided if he would wear it or not. In Chicago, In January, when your kid does not wear a coat..well lets just say the mothers everywhere open fire on you. The good news for me was getting out the door got happier, Cole never froze to death, and he took responsibility for always remembering to bring his hat, coat, and mittens with him and for wearing them when he was cold. Your point about “empowering” is a good one. To me empowering means allowing your child the best set of circumstance to grow self esteem and to feel a sense of “ruling themselves.” Thanks, Alexis!!
Julie~Thanks for those suggestions! That set routine does work wonders, doesn't it? Hmmm... the bread and fruit option. I have been pondering this and wondering if I dare try it with my bread- and fruit-loving boy. He eats just about everything, but on occasion, he just doesn't like a meal, or like you said, it's just one of those days he needs to assert himself a bit more. If it's the latter, what I've done is put away the meal he didn't eat, and if he's hungry later, offer that again. Usually he'll take it, happily. For the not liking it option, I'll give the bread and fruit a try. :)
Katybeth~ I've learned the clothing/coat surrender, too. (I know you meant Cole was never cold.) Sometimes, Lucas looks like a little orphan-child, but most of the time, he makes fairly stylish choices, I have to admit. I love your definition of empowering! And you're so right that the tricky part is finding the sweet spot in terms of how much responsibility they can handle. It's different at every age and with every child. That's the art. Thanks for chiming in!
Cheers!
Alexis
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