When it comes to power struggles with my all-too-powerful, almost-four-year-old darling, I want to let you in on a little secret:
I delegate.
That's right. I don't handle them anymore. I pass the buck.
I stumbled on this strategy a while back out of desperation, and at the time I thought two things: "I must be losing it!" and, "Surely, Lucas won't buy it!"
Why did I think these two things?
Because I delegate to Chewy-man, Lucas' well-worn lovey.
Here's what Chewy-man (otherwise known as "Vegetable Chew") looks like … after a replacement hat and some reconstructive surgery following the incident of the neighbor's dog eating his original face.*
Here's an example of delegating to Chewy-man from this very morning (at 5:30am, I might add):
Lucas: (whispering at my bedside) Mommy, I want to get up now.
Me: Lucas, it's too early for you to be up. Please go back to sleep.
Lucas: But I want to get up. I want to climb in bed with you and then have breakfast and then play my guitar! (His voice is rising, legs jiggling … He's entering "fit mode.")
Me: Chewy-man says, (in a higher voice) "Come on, Lucas! Let's go back to bed and cuddle for a while."
Lucas: Okay, Chewy-man! (He happily goes back to bed without another word.)
TA-DA!
It turns out, this is a well-known strategy, but I didn't yet know about it. This past weekend, I had the privilege of attending an all-too-brief workshop on Redirecting Children's Behavior led by RCB instructor extraordinaire, Kelly Soban,** and found out that using puppets is a great way of diffusing power struggles. I know Chewy-man isn't a puppet, per se, but the idea still applies. Instead of me - the authority figure - trying to get Lucas to comply with a particular request that he's decided he'd rather not comply with, Chewy-man – his peer, so to speak – makes a simple request, and Lucas happily goes along with it.
Sheer brilliance – if I do say so myself!
Try it for yourself and let me know how it works!
Cheers!
Alexis
*Mommy isn't the best with the needle and thread, and when I handed him back his Franken-Chewy with a crooked head, Lucas looked at him thoughtfully and said, "It's okay Mommy. It's good." Sweet boy!
**Redirecting Children's Behavior is a wonderful body of work that dovetails so, so nicely with sensitive kids! Many of you have mentioned this to me before, but I thought I'd put out the word again, for those of you who've missed those valuable reader comments along the way. If you're in the San Diego area, Kelly Soban is a wonderful facilitator. She's been practicing on her own daughter for 14 years, and has been helping other families for 13 years. Check out her website!
6 comments:
chuckle, this is funny, and pretty cool tactic when all else fails.
i tend to explain things to her, or will say 'yesy', rather than 'no', with an added, 'a bit later though', or whatever. she's great at understanding later, or 'when daddy gets home', now. my second option is guiding through natural consequences - if you don't put shoes on you'll hurt your feet outside. (i tend to put myself in the hotspot with this, if i can't find a natural logical consequence, then do i really need her to do x? you know?)
i guess if i really really wanted her to do something (i admit she's allowed to get up when her body says it's had enough bedtime), and she was determined not to hear logic, etc, then i might use this tactic. i wonder how long and for what situations this would work for?
Hi Mon~ Yes, I've been through all those tactics you've mentioned, as well. Often, I find a way of helping him feel empowered while meeting my own needs for his safety, my sanity, or whatnot. This is for those times I've exhausted those options, or if I'm too exhausted to think on my feet. At this age, the "pushing" is relentless.
I've found that all of my best intentions for maintaining the whole "unconditional parenting" approach have been sorely tested during this three-year-old year. Taking that RCB mini-workshop was a great reminder of some really helpful and supportive parenting ideas.
It doesn't work if Chewy-man isn't around, like if we're out and about. Who knows how long it will last? I don't use it often, but when I do, it helps defer the power to Chewy, and that seems to soothe Lucas' need for momentary independence from me.
Cheers!
Alexis
I just wanted to say that this blog, in just the last 25 minutes, has made me feel better than any of the many...many parenting books that I've devoured over the last few years. Your humor, and the humor of those that comment on your blog, has reassured me that what we're doing the best that we can. Some days, we just have to laugh. Just knowing that there are other parents out there facing the same challenges is comforting.
Our "spirited", sensitive, intelligent, and utterly exhausting child was on a "behavior plan" at age 3 in his Montessori school. Who's on a behavior plan in preschool? Now at age 4, we are faced with new challenges that force us to think outside of the box. This blog seems to be just what I needed to start coming up with new ideas.
Thanks!
Anon~ Reading your comment sure got my day off to a great start! Thank you so much for letting me know how you feel about this blog! It's so encouraging for me to know that my writing is being received in the way I've intended. We really do just have to laugh at ourselves and with one another sometimes, don't we?
I'm so sorry to hear about your son's behavior plan at age three. What hogwash! Did you read the earlier post about the kindergartner who was suspended twice? It's in the June archive. If you haven't yet delved into that one, there is a ton of information and understanding in the post and the comments that I'm sure you'll identify with and find really helpful.
How lucky for your son that you are willing to think outside the box with and for him. That's what it takes. That ... and the courage to do it in the face of huge societal pressure to the contrary. I hope you'll come back here often and share your stories. We're here to support one another.
Cheers!
Alexis
I've recently discovered your blog here, and wish I would have stumbled upon it much sooner! It's now and my list, and I'll be back to read more very soon.
Hi Janie, welcome! I've been MIA since starting my new teaching job, but things are evening out and I'm back to writing now. I hope you've enjoyed some of the archives, and stick around for more to come!
Cheers!
Alexis
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